“Is that a phone in your pocket…or do you just have a really crooked penis?”
Everyone heard about #BENDGATE by now?
If not: the new iphone6 is… you guessed it… bending.
(But only if you’re dumb enough to slip it into your skinny jeans like a billfold.)
Not you, cell phone. You’re cordlessly uninvited #zing
Honestly, I don’t see a problem here. Nothing but good news for me. As someone who hasn’t yet purchased the latest device (due for an upgrade at the end of the year; might as well wait), this has been an all around win for MissAshleyPants. Sure, I’m not part of the 6 club. But I also didn’t have to set up a tent outside a gadget shop last week like everyone else making their annual religious pilgrimage to worship at the feet of an aluminum communicative altar. Any god comprised of the same stuff a frat boy could cranially crush is too weak a deity for me. Alluring and tempting as the hype may be each year, I’ll leave you all to take a bite out of the seductive Apple, my oblivious Eve-like guinea pigs.
That’s right.
Just like their logo perpetually suggests you do.
Then I can sit back with my binoculars in hand and observe Apple in action.
Like I did this week.
Sometimes, upon release of the latest version, the envy seeds sprout within my belly and I find the magnetic draw too strong to resist. Other times, it’s only a week before chaos reigns and tech junkies become belligerent with their dealers for selling them a batch of bad stuff under the mislabeled marketing of it being “new and improved”. That said, this doesn’t deter me from buying the 6 in January. Putting a phone in my pocket can be avoided. Especially when I have a hand, another hand, a handbag, and two tits – all things that can better accommodate the ushering of my mobile device from one location to the next sans a bending event. (Plus, they may’ve tweaked it by then #doublewin)
If you’re less lucky than I am (no purse, rib pillows, or grabbing devices at the ends of your arms), mayhaps you’ll find one of the following options helpful to consider while you muddle through the next week, trying to figure out how to navigate your newly fccked up screen enough to erase the copious dick pics you already took so you can take in your POS to get it fixed:
1. Avoid skinny jeans (esp. if point 6 applies to you)
2. Don’t take your phone everywhere with you.
3. Buy a murse.
4. Dig up your old JNCO jeans
(y’know? The ones that look like a Mormon’s skirt? With pockets?)
5. Get a less shit phone. #consideringthisseriously
6. Lose some weight, fat ass.
Then you won’t warp phones, denim, and space-time alike with your rhino thighs.
That’s all!
Wishing you and your gumby phones a beautiful day!