Miss Ashley Pants

“It’s not rape if Sean Connery does it.”

You know, this a joke I’ve made before because it’s obvious in its sarcasm and references the classic “Marnie”. Aside from the fact that nobody in their right mind would actually need bondage to get down with Bond (I don’t even know any men who’d say no), the sardonic nature speaks to the cultural and entertainment-level condoning of violence in general – sexual or not. That’s why I name the actor versus “Mr. Rutledge” (#thisismeexplainingajoke) Much like the OG Cinderella (a tidbit on that at the end of this piece), Marnie ends up with her rapist. And we’re all okay with it because it’s Connery. And then we’re all not okay with the fact that – WHY are we okay with it?

Sometimes it takes a seemingly affable fat pop star to remind me of that:

The singer said recently that it’s not rape if someone’s not awake:

Green took to Twitter to defend himself on Monday. “If someone is passed out they’re not even WITH you consciously, so WITH Implies consent,” he wrote in a first tweet. “People who have really been raped REMEMBER!!!” he tweeted in a second comment.

Wow, my dude. Wait. Put your cat down a pop some champagne with me! I want to toast you for this momentous occasion and show just how utterly happy I am for you! I mean it’s not every day an entertainer suddenly gets nominated king of body-law and gets to judge rape rules!

The difference between my cheeky Connery Marnie gag and this is that I’m not serious and neither is the actor when he does it (he’s playing a fictional character in a fictional narrative, obv). In fact that “why am I okay with this?” feeling is probably something Hitchcock wanted to express by educing that nauseating response from viewers (he was fat and kinda sad inside, like Cee Lo). But Cee was serious – having an online battle ’bout it with someone and finally deleting his account over it.

Then I remember, duh. That’s Twitter. And Cee ain’t special.

Twitter’s an unfiltered online platform for microblogging. And we shouldn’t take a celeb’s split-second non-logic reported on it any more to heart than the 15-year-old who stars and retweets it. That said, if you agree with what he’s said, alright. Can’t change you. But I do invite you to remember that this mentality doesn’t just apply to chicks.

I’ve tragically known naive Twinkie bears who’ve gone to WEHO to “find themselves” – thinking they’re safe in a like-minded and awesome community, throwing caution to the wind, and then… Wham! You wake up with your money gone and arsehole inside out. ’cause bad people happen to good places sometimes.

(After a roofie-colada, you’re not safe either, bear buds).

So, as a human person who happens own a vagina (with a general Zen non-attachment of neither shame nor pride), I’ve oh so diligently crafted a list of things (other than becoming an after hours peen garage) that I also wouldn’t fancy happening as I slumber – be it chemically induced, a narcoleptic snooze, or the sweet, final cessation of insomnia sending me into a drooly delta wave coma:

That was surprisingly easy to make. How’d you do?

Oh! Hey! Cee Lo! How many did you check off?

All but the last one?

That’s cool. 🙂

Funfact: The OG Brother’s Grimm style Sleeping Beauty was also about a prince gettin’ it in when homegirl was out – but the G version’s not much better as a real-world application.

As I’ve said before – it’s not rape culture, but a symptom of violence culture. We condone violations of all sorts based on shiz like status, charisma, and celebrity (AKA being a handsome actor or fairy story prince) when it’s not okay for anyone at any level. So, in a way, I suppose we can’t blame Cee-Lo for his misguided beliefs. He’s just another symptom of a larger problem.

#blameitonsociety #likeeverythingelse