Holy haters-gonna-hate Wednesday, Batman.
Logically, I know how the other handful half lives, but the passing report of Leonardo DiCaprio’s – the actor and human being’s – new spot in Greenwich Village had me completely green – and I’m still not sure if it was with envy or nausea.
I just know it wasn’t from a rain of Benjies.
As I turned on “the news” during my coffee making this morning, I heard the tail end of a tale about Leo’s land Titanic apartment that had all the trimmings.
Because I was in the other room, I heard something about him spending a couple million bucks on a Manhattan home and it having some kind of sunlight on demand amenity. Being the photon-phile that I am, I was intrigued enough to look up and see how the rich n’ famous manage to make the sun revolve around them the same way the media does.
Turning to my internet machine, I plunked in the keywords “Dicaprio $2 million dollar apartment” To my surprise, nothing came up.
Because the quaint little abode he bought wasn’t $2 million.
It’s $10 million.
So, what’s actually in this dreamhouse…within the dreamlife… of a dreamy movie star? #contrivedInceptionJoke
Obviously, anything’s better than the $23 mill Malibu domicile he just relinquished with this piece of shit view…
The apartment complex simplifies holistic living for residents with its WELL certification (had to look that one up – it basically just means it aids in wellness for the well off).
The facilities comprise the kind of stuff you’ve read about but really have trouble believing exists ’cause – much like a Scarface kingpin – you’ve never come mug to mug with it.
And probably won’t. Ever.
For examp., during his stay, Leo’ll enjoy Vitamin C-infused showers, purified water and air, and an aromatherapy air supply – circulated like your or my United flight seatmate’s airborne fecal germs are to our faces, following their levitating lavatory sesh. As we all travel like reluctant contortionists. In coach.
And following long days of playing make believe for play, the wolf of Wall Street can relax his paws on the posture-supportive heat reflexology flooring.
Yeah, man. Now we’re getting to the good stuff. Of all the self massage stuff, pressing on plantar knots is probably hardest. Just more work on the old shoulders. A myofascial floor’d be great.
But let’s get to the whole reason I looked it up: the sunlight.
“It also boasts…’dawn simulation’ provided by a circadian lighting design.”
Wait, wha-?
For all’a that money, I was expecting an arrangement of retractable and rotating Harry Potter castle-staircase-esque mirrors extending out of some celestial skylight and beaming back solar luxury onto Leo like an all-day Vegas magic trick.
It’s just… LED?
I mean that’s cool and all, but for a simulated sun experience? Yeah. He can keep the Lamborghini of living. I’ll settle for a Honda home:
(So I can keep the one in Malibu, thx)