Aww. Traffic sucks? Coffee line too long? Pay freeze this year?
That sucks for you – but not nearly as much as being swallowed whole by a giant serpent that looks like it crawled outta a flick collaboratively created by King and Spielberg . Times like this – when life feels shitty – it’s good to be grateful. And what better way than to pause and reflect on what we do have – like all of our arms and legs without crunched or protruding bone shards. Here, I’ll help you out in a guided gratitude mediation, as we become mindful…
Today we’ll take a moment to appreciate that these retro-behemoth boogey men aren’t a part of our modern reality:
First up is Duckaphelant Rex:
His gov’ment name is actually Platybeledon grangeri, but he actually looks exactly like my sister’s pit bull does after capturing a shoe and trying to disintegrate it using sheer jaw powered velocity.
And here we have a winged demon:
Meganeura Monyi is massive. Muh’fkkr’s wing span was a foot long. (And here I spend all summer complaining about little horseflies and gnats as I try to tranquilly catch a batch of cancer in the sun.)
Next, we have a MonStrich:
I dunno if the Dinornis Robustus was dangerous at all, but he just looks like an asshole. Maybe that’s because he’s 12 feet tall and resembles that timidly violent thing from Harry Potter, though. The hipa-whatever?
Heep-hop!
HeepHopAnonymous?!?!
The Titanoboa Cerrejonesis was a supersized 42 foot long and 2,500 lb snake that we’re only 60 million years past getting over.
“Excuse me, I’m looking for a tree with an apple and a couple naked kids? I have a woman’s life to ruin and a long-running mythology to initiate”
“Yeah, man – right over there”
“ThankSSSsththSS”
Hey, you know when you eat magic mushrooms and suddenly a giant scorpion materializes from another dimension in the corner of your room?
Me either. ‘cause I was born with feathered levitating devices and devoid of genitalia or sin. However, if you’ve ever made the mistake of mixing psilocybin while watching “The Cell”, maybe you time traveled and saw this friendly guy:
Don’t let those 18 inch claws fool you, Jaekelopterus Rhenaniae isn’t your sweet, every day, crocodile proportioned scorpion.
And now, for a 20 ft sloth:
Megatherium Americanum was a giant sized sloth wh– whoah…
I knew that sleazy sloth meme was onto something. Just look at this furry ass Amazon working that Jurassic pole.
That’s it for now.
If no one ate you today, thank your higher power.
Even if you think I’m talking about a telephone pole
#closeenough