So, McDonald’s is losing money.

No, not dead, my loves. Not yet.

But it did take about a 4.7% kick in the cheeseburger buns this year, which has led to them taking some serious action. Some seriously counterintuitive, doesn’t-make-sense, action – by removing a bunch of stuff from their menu. It’d be more like downgrading from five types of the same burger to just one. I mean, it sounds good because that’s what I like about In ‘n Out burger back when I still nommed on cow putty myself. The simplicity. No hemming and hawing over your heifer meal. In ‘n out and ‘n a food coma in my car within the next fifteen minutes.

For those of you still addicted, not yet in fast food rehab, and jonesin’ already just reading about it, you may be wondering “which ones?!” While there are still changes being made and it’s different in each state, the reports state it’ll potentially include but not be limited to stuff like the quarter pounder, premium chicken sammich, snack wrap, and I even heard somewhere they’re gonna nix the fruit and walnut salad.

I get the whole “downgrade” on variety when it comes to handing a pink slip to the pink sludge. Who needs 8 of the same thing, anyway? But the salads? Come on. There’s not enough healthy stuff in these joints to begin with. No need to get rid of the only thing worth buying if I’m forced to eat there in an extenuating circumstance. And I mean really extenuating. Like, maybe if I’m astronaut Sandra Bullock who just crash landed to earth in a pod and I’ve spent the past week starving and trekking through inimical terrain and the golden arches were the first thing I saw. Something like that – where I’m not even myself anymore and don’t know where I am.

The “doesn’t make sense” part, though, is that their rationale for making this tweak is because their customers like variety. So they’re taking away this variety… when that’s what drives your drive through revenue? I suppose, the idea is that they’re gonna add in more variety later – to see if maybe folks are just bored with the current choices.

I dunno, man. I like to think more people are just becoming aware of how shitty fast food is.

It’s finally clicking.

And I think the clown king’s hip to us being hip to that fact, because I read somewhere that one of the head McDudes was quoted to have said they wanna “put fewer preservatives in their food”. Bullshit. If they do anything at all with acting on that concept, it’ll just be another one of those en masse jedi mind tricks. Ya know? Like they did with sugar? Where they just manipulate the words and stats instead of ingredients to make you think you’re not on a suicide diet? It’s like when you used to tell your mom, “I raised my grade from a F to C-” so she’s not mad you’re a C- minus student. Except, in this case, if you really take away McD’s preservatives, all you’re gonna be left with is an empty happy meal bag and a toy.

Both of which would arguably be healthier to eat.

So keep fighting the good fight, my friends!

Let’s dump some water and a house on this dying witch. Ban the burgers! Down with the clown!

Heh. Look at that. Ron was just the wicked witch in drag all along.

I knew it.