I’ve heard of people taking video games seriously, but…seriously?
Football is just a game.
And World of Warcraft (or whatever Treyarch MWXYZ is) is also just a game (a game where grown men and ten year olds alike verbally revile one another online in sweet anonymity – protected from anything other than invectives).
But take an ex-football player who has settled for playing online video games after having left the pigskin clique, and what do you think he’s gonna do?
If your first answer was “launch expletives at fellow players, record it, and then upload it to the internet”, then you’re right. But only half right.
The rest of the story is that he would… ahem… attack trees.
Apparently.
At least that’s what this one guy from Ohio does. This NFL (that’s Natural Forest Lumberjack, not – ya know – genunine NFL player) pine-backer goes by the “Human Axe” because he runs straight into standing trees and makes ‘em fall using sheer shoulder force.
His reason for the arboreal attacks? Because the video game he plays had some sort of a glitch. And the best cure for butthurt is a distraction – like ramming your rotator cuff into the miscellaneous and majestic manifestations of mother nature.
But don’t be fooled.
These aren’t living trees as he’s claimed in some uploads. They’ve been long gone for a while and remain upright in name only – hollow and full of fungus – kind of like this story left me feeling.
Ya know, this is one of those tales where I felt more fascinated by the sheer stupidity of it than the actual capacity to topple a bark coated corpse of what was once a sweet unassuming oxygen architect.
Even better was Sir Tree Tackler’s description in his original online video.
Maybe you can read it for me. I’d say it was mostly a masturbatory reminiscence about when life was still carefree beer bonging, Varsity Blues, and blowjobs. But to be fair, my brain-lungs started passing out after the one-millionth comma:
Or maybe Paul Bunyon’s finally taken to felling all the still-living trees and I’m just not getting enough O2 up in here anymore.
I hope homeboy finds some inner peace with his new lot in life.
Outrageous Acts (Axe?) of Science indeed.