You’ve heard of 12 step programs before, yes?

They’re meant to help people addicted to drugs or food or sex get their lives back on track after forming detrimental habits they can’t seem to easily kick solo. Awesome and transformative as they are, I’ve always felt like more than one group is too much. It separates types of addiction into different cliques when their central problem is all the same – a compulsive behavior that requires an inner revamp to fix it. Too many types just adds to that “I’m different and special” mentality once people leave their meetings. But so long as we’re going to have a plethora of programs, why not reach out to everyone who’s gotta bad habit to kick? From kleptomaniacs to cannibals?

For example: I’d love to tour any one of these six groups Marla Singer style.

Just to hear the shares.

1. Split Personality Anonymous

“Ughhh… I got chastised today.

Apparently, they say ‘don’t have more than one sponsor because you’ll keep asking around until you get the advice you want to hear’… But like, I don’t have two.

I just have one.

For each of me.”

2. Solipsistics Anonymous

“I didn’t understand why she was breaking up with me. I told her – of course I didn’t think I was the only person in the world. Just the only person that has feelings. That matter.

Oh… Hey. You guys are still here.

Have you been here all along?”

3. Narcissists Anonymous

“Okay, I have to get this off my chest. I don’t come here early because I wanna have donuts and coffee ready for you all. I get here early so I can claim this seat… facing that mirror… but you all can understand why, right? Are you seeing this? Just look at i-”

“Thanks for sharing! NEXT.”

4. People-Peelers Anonymous

“Hi. I’m Joe and I’m a People-Peeler. Look, I know we’re not supposed to judge each other in here. But the way he anxiously rushes out of here early every Thursday, makes me feel like Bill is hurrying home to lube up some fat bitch in his dungeon well. And that bastard keeps coming on in, reeking of calcium carbonate and tannin every week, grabbing keytags every year. I can’t stand it! He does it when it hasn’t even BEEN a year yet. He’s relapsed. I just know it! And he’s… *sob*… he’s making a mockery of us.”

“Joe, honey?”

“Yes,…(*sob*)… Mary?”

“What’s that beige handkerchief you’re dabbing your tears with made of, darling?”

“Don’t judge me! You keep throwing shade, Mary, and I’ll turn you INTO a lampshade!”

5. iPhoners Anonymous

*Ding!* (Click-click-click)….*Ding-Ding!*

“Hi, I’m iphone and I’m a-… Hol’ onna second… I just hafta send this…”

(quiet sound of radiator and collective open-mouthed heavy breathing)

“Kay. Who’s next? Oh – is it 9 already? Did we do keytags? Wait, did we buy keytags?

Here, I’ll put in an order… right…after this 9gag video…”

6. People Eaters Anonymous

“And then, after I calmed down, my sponsor told me he was doing his best to help me. And he reminded me not to bite the hand that feeds me. You can imagine my confusion. I asked him, ‘Don’t bite? What?! What else am I supposed to do with a hand?’… This new way of living makes no sense. And I still have reservations. There’s some leftover liver from my mom’s pool boy in my fridge at home and …*sob*…. I just want to use.

But I know what my sponsor’d say: it’s not good for me.

’cause it’s a month old. And it’s probably gone bad by now.”

Alright. So I may have overlooked a few loopholes with my idea here. I mean, when relapse happens with junkies, they sadly just slowly die most of the time. When relapse occurs here, it might be a bit different… Some of these groups may start to have their numbers mysteriously dwindle until there’s finally just one guy calmly sat at the meeting in a blood spattered rain coat, fingering the title part on the cover of his program literature that reads “Anonymous”, and donning an icy smile that says,

“Like shooting fish in a barrel. A barrel no one knows exists…”

Eh. Still worth a try, says I.