Anyone watch A Million Ways To Die In The West?
For some reason, I was reminded about how they rip on old timey photos and the people who never smile when I came across a Distractify piece with 1930’s snaps. I’d say they never smiled because people of the olden days always had a looming fear of death. And that’s not wrong. But let’s face it. Are you smiling right now as you read this? Probably not yet. But you will soon. Point is, people don’t just go around smiling most of the time – back then they captured the more authentic moments. Some were staged, some were random, but if you think about it a lot of what they were doing was pretty much the same as the popular catchphrasey crap we say and do today. Right down to pop star antics, like…
“Blanket!!!!”
Suspending babies over balconies was just done by cages instead of crotch-grabbers back then. The only diff, I suppose, was the motive. While Jackson kept his kid covered, the parents of these poor bastards thought a “baby cage balcony” would be an excellent way to get them enough sunlight. Cuz babies need tans. Better put that little porker on a diet while you’re at it, mom.
“Leave enough room for Jesus!”
In middle school, the modesty ruler was ever-present – whether it was measuring skin of gams or distance between sinners at dances. Much like the bish in the photo, we’d put our “hand on our hip” during assessment (AKA secretly pull it down from behind and outta view to get a couple more inches). Until our prude tyrants jettisoned the rulers altogether and made us use our arms (“It can’t go past the tip of the finger!”) This was double dumb because we couldn’t use trickery anymore and because I have long arms. That was when I just started buying adjustable tube skirts that can slide up and down at will like a semi-spandex foreskin. 30’s swim gear or 90’s skirts, it’s all the same: life’s a beach when you know how to break the rules.
T.A.T.U. was around
Apparently “Not gonna get us” was a song about outsmarting death, because the loveable lezzy duet from the 90’s was around for this beauty pageant in 1922. It looks like they were still trying to decide whether to clink the open ends of those trophies together yet, though – because leftie’s throwing some mad shade with her laser eyes. These things take time. Glad you came around, girls.
Stupid poses
So much better than planking, this was called “horsemanning”. Not sure if the idea and title came from the legend of the headless horseman or not, but I adore the visual of a pleasantly decapitated dome being gently caressed by the hand of the body it used to belong to. I’d ask why we aren’t this creative anymore, but you have to remember that this was the same time frame when Halloween was actually scary instead of slutty and there was no internet barometer to validate DSL duckfaces in bikinis with thumb-up-ery over creative and funny poses.
Film da police!
And his little bitch seat too… which was also apparently a mobile prison. Jesus. How embarrassing would this be to ride down the street in? I’d almost rather get the whole downward headshove they do before putting you in the backseat (I wonder if cops feel like they’re getting a power blowie when they do that? ‘cause the motion is kinda like you’d do to a reluctant girlfriend?) Eh, nevermind. This retro-setup would be much better. What you do is take off all your clothes while he’s speeding to the station, and start bobbing around anything that’s loose at cars passing by. Then, when he pulls over to put back on your clothes, you take advantage of the open-cage freedom and haul ass outta there. (In a way, I feel like this pic is also a perfect metaphor for my phone. Sure, I’m mobile, but I’m also kinda imprisoned by it).
I wonder if the guy taking this was yelling “World Star!!!1”?
And where did he threaten to upload it to?
Embarrassing pics
Remember the Lohan sneeze snapshot? I think they drained more out of that “looks like she’s sobbing” picture than they’re doing out of poor Robin Williams right now. I’m not sure if the cameras were so old timey that they had to wait a gazillion years for it to take the picture and this was a total accident, or if the photographer thought “Bodily function photo-op!” and he made a lotta money off selling it at a novelty shop later, thereby planting the seeds for the school of paparazzi.
Cat obsession
We’ve never needed the internet for things like cats to become memetic in their adorability, but the fact that we were making cats pose when snappies were still a novelty is kinda interesting. Usually I’m all for the “we’re so much worse now than back then” argument. But at least these days, cats don’t sell cancer – they just offer a lulzy gateway drug into time-sink hyper-link hell. As for carcinogen pushing via creatures? Eh, we reserve that job for animals like camels who live in lands we’re racist against anyway.
“Five more minutes!”
This popular phrase was something you had to get out of bed to tell the “knocker up” banging on your pane. And yes that was their real name. I wonder if the pane wasn’t the only banging they did – like maybe they’d sneak in when people said “wake me in five!” And that’s where “knocked up” comes from? I’m going to assume yes. Whether it’s window-tapping wood, cervix-tapping wood or an Apple alarm, I’m going to classify this one under “all alarm clocks are a sensory genocide when you’re in a deep sleep”.
Technology in bed
We’re told not to bring technology into bed (phones, laptops, electronics), but that’s just because the electronic lights eff with our circadian rhythm. I assume that these little ocular gems run on nothing but reflected light-images sans all the little interrupting nighttime waves. That’s why they’re exactly what I need in my life when my neck rebels against every recline-n’-read position there is.
Someone get me a pair immediately. PleaseThx.
#DUSTBOWLPROBLEMS
To bring it full circle – here’s a valid example of that no-grin bit Seth M. mentions.
Wanna guess what this chick’s worried about?
I’ll give you a hint – it’s not the fact that her stylist went on vacation right before her red carpet event. Back in 1936 (ever read Grapes of Wrath?) people like this lady kind of had to worry about getting food before becoming vulture food. Yep, problems are part of the whole humanity package when you get born into any body on this planet. I guess the difference is that when all your basic needs are met and machines take care of the tough stuff, you get bored and create new problems of the drama genre. It makes me feel a little better about the fact that this weekend all my cleaning appliances broke down simultaneously like a special Olympics synchronized swimming event.
Not much, but a little bit.