And now for a news story that settles like an emotional speedball

So, some broke college kids found a magical couch filled with money (ahhh!) 🙂

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And…

…gave it back to the owner.

(Uuughh…) 🙁

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I know I was supposed to feel heart warmed.

But I didn’t. Not right away. And although I’d like to say “Oh, yeah, I’d definitely do the same – no question”, there’s no telling how deep my greed demons reach their claws into the recesses of my soul.

Especially since it wasn’t just a couple hundred bucks.

A little bit after their $20 purchase, the roomies realized their love seat was lumpier than expected. Flipping the cushions princess and the pea style, their suspicions were confirmed. There were several envelopes embedded in the cushions. Immediately, they decided to lock the doors (ya know, in case that annoying neighbor from 2B with X-ray vision sauntered on by).

“I thought ‘It’s either drugs or money’…!” said one of the couch owners – with the inflection of someone who’d been hoping for the former.

Alas, there was no nose snow in the sofa. But what there was was a grand total of $40,000.

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“At first we found the money but there was no name or anything and we’re bugging out, like, what kind of boat are we going to get, where are we going.”

Then, like some emotional eviction notice, the deposit slip surfaced.

“It wasn’t a debate, we immediately reached a consensus that this is her money,” said one of the liars.

I mean, fine.

You did the right thing in the end. But let’s not pretend that you didn’t at least exchange that knowing nervous glance with your pals, hmmm? Let’s not erase events from reality. You and I both know in our hearts that you said, “What…should we do?” at least once before playing Good Samaritan and hoping the useful kind of karma exists.

So stop trying to make the rest of us look bad, goddammit!

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But then I heard the deposit-owners story.

It was this little old 91 year old who stashed the cash in the couch because she didn’t trust banks (no disagreement there – they steal from me for looking at them sideways). And her kids donated the couch when she’d broken her hip and was laid up in the hospital.

This whole story has been a log flume into irrational feelings.

Now I’m suddenly hand delivering hypothetical cash I’d been fantasy-guarding like Gollum – to someone on death’s precipice. And I’m not even part of the story. Effing news playing Gepetto with my mood. Again. Anyway, the story ends with grandma giving them a reward for her money’s return. Hey, by any chance, was that reward $40,000? No. No it wasn’t. Try 1/40th of that.

To be fair, I bet back in her heyday, $1,000 bought a lotta wooden teeth.

#thanks #DoesntEvenCoverMyRent