Okay. “Clap App” may not be what they call it.
But they totally should. Let’s call a thing a thing. Poke a little fun at your current sitch after unprotected poking. Because what’s more hilarious than someone who has an app on their phone dedicated to furtively Fed Exing chlamydia kits (gonorrhea too!) to your personal residence? Let’s just think about this for a moment. Why do you have the apps you have on your phone? Because you use them a lot right? What do I have on there, you ask? Well, I personally clutter up my smarphone’s face with only the stuff I use frequently enough to justify it being there. The usual suspects. Facebook. Instagram. Grind-… But we’re not here to talk about me. The real question we should be asking is… how often are you making or receiving a rando deposit without bulletproof bank windows between the two’a ya that you need repeat requests for VD care packages?
Per HuffPost, it goes a lil something like this:
1.) You order a discreet at-home testing kit via your mobile phone.
(which you have to wait on to receive.)2.) You send your piss samples back through the mail.
(which could’ve been done immediately had you gone to an actual clinic.)3.) If you test positive, the app can send your prescription to a local pharmacy.
(which you still have to pick up, and let’s face it – showing your face there is the truly embarrassing part.)4.) They recommend an appointment at a nearby clinic
(which should’ve been the first and last step).
I mean, this is just too much middle man for me. All that waiting around?
That shit’d ‘cause me way too much anxiety till I was searching for the klonopin app betwixt scares.
Which would come in eat-it-like-candy handy once I read the dollar price for my dalliances.
While the app itself is free, the test comes to a grand total of…. $149.
I’m racking my brain to attempt that whole outside-the-box thinking for who would actually seriously use this. And the only people I can come up with are the jaded elite who thrive on drama ’cause they’re so bored. You know? The Christian Greys (or is it Gray?) of the world. The people who are so rich that they’ve already blown through the joys of callgirl commerce and limbo-ing under the long arm of the law thanks to daddy’s name. And now the only thing left is to turn on themselves by enjoying the titillating anticipation of something like wondering whether or not the girl you just bought from the “Taken” ship was pre-owned by a wiener warts owner. And waiting on overpriced test results to confirm it since money’s no issue.
That’s no way to live, whether or not you’ve got the funds to cover it. But for the rest of us poor folk (who don’t get aroused at the thought of playing the genital version of that Douglass flick “The Game” anyway), there are far better options. For instance, you can start by making better life choices. That could include not slaying so much strange. Or it could just mean adding a sheath to your sword (or theirs) before you do.
And while I realize that metaphor fits more poorly for the females than a magnum on an Asian guy (that’s racist and I apologize. Not every Asian guy. Just every one I’ve ever seen), what’s an even poorer fit is using technology and delayed testing to address your health ‘cause you’re too proud and lazy to hit up a clinic.
That said, I can’t control anyone’s lifestyle choices. But I can tell you this:
If you’re more poor than you are proud and lazy, you’re in luck!
‘cause a Planned Parenthood clinic near you does all’a this shiz for the mere price of your presence.