They say that time mends a broken heart.
But soon, a time-keeper might be able to as well.
(Such an OG genius he doesn’t need a big hand or little hand.)
My little mind was just blown a moment ago as I thumbed through this SciAm piece on pacemakers (ya know the thing that keeps grand pop’s life organ gushing survival oil to all his various bits of body?). Because, apparently, some scientists from Switzerland (always Switzerland, with these random things) have been developing some steampunk style variation of a pacemaker – in the hopes that it can someday live inside of your chest. If it ever is ever ready for human use, the entire function of these gadgets would boil down to something slightly more complex than that white elephant Espirit watch you pretended not to be disgustedly disappointed about getting at this year’s Christmas party when that bish next to you got tickets to next Sunday’s game.
Actually, if anything, it may be less complex than a modern Timex. Because it’s being modeled after a retro-technology that’s about two centuries old. You see, old timey automatic wrist watches that they used back when the world was grainy and sepia toned and everyone had Pleasantville vision, operated based off of a wearer’s movement. Basically, a rotor winds up a spring, the spring coils, then it unwinds, and that action turns the watches gears. Boom.
So, how do we translate that technology to your ticker?
With the beating of your heart (instead of a wiggling wrist), they say. To study how effective this was, they ripped open Wilbur, shoved this heartbeat-keeper beta inside’a him, and observed him doing whatever it is that Swiss pigs do after.
“Subject schteeeals identity of heez friend Charotte… veddy interesting, ya?”
*(Brought to you by racist, probably inaccurate accents)
The good news is that it produced 50 micro watts of power – and pacemakers only need about 10.
The bad news is that I still don’t get it. Because, while that’s nice and all (and I get that more research is needed before these supplemental pumpers end up in people-kind), I’m already wondering: did the pig they tested have an actual heart problem? Because if they’re relying on a cardiac assistive device to work based on the beating of your heart to kick start it and keep it going…
Then.. um… what happens when your heart stops?
Which is, like, the whole reason pacemaker patients need pacemakers? In the first place?
I’m lost, man…