Great news, you animal lovers!
You know the hopes and dreams you had of running your own cartel across the border by the time your were 25? Well, just because you’re not blowing through bills like a behind-the-scenes billionaire in a villa, doesn’t mean you can’t live like them!
Or at least pretend you do!
Step 1: Ball like a mah-fugga.
Step 2: Wed like a Christian:
(where are they heading in such a hurry?)
Step 3: Die like a Christian:
“That’s not a lion, Ashley.”
Sí. yo sé, mane.
Ugh. You’re so slow. Moving on.
Alright. Much like comedy, maybe a large wildcat’s not for you. Even so, apparently 20 million Americans boast owning some sort of exotic pet (that’s why you’d own a special pet, right? To boast? Not to actually love it?)
But why import when you’ve got something like this pungent pal right in your back yard?
Ah, Disney. Teaching me denial and to identity-change for dudes since day one.
Apparently skunks are playful, peaceful and live up to 12 years.
Although they’re reportedly “intelligent”, they have horrible homing skills and eyesight. So keep an eye on yours during his morning constitutional or else he’ll end up decorating someone’s grill. (“Ya might be a rayd-neck IF: that has two meanings fer ya! Yulk Yuk!”…*camera pans to a delighted audience of mouths housing more beer than teeth*).
Other downsides?
Unless your faucet releases a steady stream of tomato juice, you’ll also have to get the stink glands removed. And they’re only legal in Georgia and Michigan.
That’s… I mean – the whole skunk.
Regardless of the glands.
As in – you still can’t just own a skunk full of glands in the other 48 states.
’cause you’ll just get maced by it anally and the cop arresting you (possibly anally as well).
That’s how that Disney tale ends.
NEXT!
Is the only thing missing from your life a fox with bat ears?
Me either, but it’s definitely on my list (along with my custom batmobile built with flamethrowing brake lights).
The only rules with Fennec Foxes are that they can’t stay up past midnight.
Or, no. They can’t go swimming after sundown.
Or something. I forget. Mine came with some rules, but one of the other ones ate the paper they were written on instead of the midnight snack I lovingly prepared.
Apparently, these too-cute-to-be-true creatures are related to dogs, but have cat-tempers.
Downside? Adorable as they are, they’re not easily domesticated, tend to have litter box trouble, and need a buddy since they’re super social.
Oh, wait! Found the rules! Last thing’s totally fixable with a little bit of water:
#hopemyaudienceis80skids
Next!
I always wanted a life-size tardigrade.
Just to tote it around like a carnival prize.
But while giant-izing the “water bear” (aka “moss piglet”) will be impossible until I locate my “Honey I Shrunk The Kids Horrible Sequel Movie Should Have Stopped With Part One” machine, I’ll settle for a nickname switcheroo.
Enter “Water Pig”.
It’s real name, the Chupacabra
ChupaBara
chup-
Chupa-…
Fuck it.
It doesn’t matter. What DOES matter is that it’s basically a giant hamster rodent that almost looks like a tardigrade. Except with fur. And without the retractable alien face.
Like the fox, it needs friends. But since it does everything in water (hence the moniker), it’ll be a great excuse to build a pool. And while you can’t swim in it, you can enjoy watching them enjoy swimming in it.
Like I said – they do e’rythang in there.
In the end, special pets are like babies. If you can’t take care of the boring ones you bore in the past few years, don’t think the next one will be any better. Regardless of who gives it to you. There are things to consider and save for. Like having enough space. And providing friends to socialize with.
Which is why when I purchase these sweet creatures, I’ll get all of them.
At once.
And let them share a pen.
Let’s just leave the poor bastards be. In the wild.