Does my friend’s furry face aptly depict your general outlook on life?

GRUMPYCAT

Don’t get too excited. He’s not making a debut in today’s tale. However, he will gladly tell you that if you keep up your cynicism cycles, you can look forward to spending your golden years as a dotard in the “we beat grandma when no one’s looking except the nanny cam because we can” retirement home. And according to science, you can look forward to that happening early.

According to a study in the Journal of American Academy of Neurology (that’s a mouthful), elders with high levels of cynicism tended to be 2.5 times more likely to develop dementia. The correlation paralleled a similar study done testing the long-term effects of being an angry asshole all the time. What’s more? 97,000 women were studied – and they showed a strong correlation between cynicism and cancer related death. As ever, correlation doesn’t mean causation (AKA doesn’t necessarily prove), but it’s still very “makes ya go hmmm” as it supports an increasingly wide held belief: “View on life translates to real health outcomes”.

hawaiihome
(If my life included that view, it’d translate to outstanding “health outcomes”.)

A lot of people won’t like this idea because change is hard (especially outlook alteration). It means admitting you’re wrong about the way you’ve been doing things (butthurt egos), it means revamping habits (really tough for our brains), and we can’t really use anything external (from an orange RX bottle to shaking crystals while chanting) to get there.

I still tend to be cynical. I wake up most days thinking, “It’s a shitty, rainy day and the person messaging me just wants to talk about themselves.” But when I first gave the non-douchery outlook and lifestyle a little try, you know what? My health started to improve, my hair grew longer, and went from gimp status to muh-fuggin jogger. Coming from a lifetime of bitchery, it’s a worth-it work in progress.

It’s not magic. We tell ourselves we’re helpless against the cards we’ve been dealt or the way we think people act toward us. But the truth is that when we’re cynical about people or phenomena, we expect that and look for how the world’s going to be bad. Likewise, when we about face out of end-of-my-rope style misery, trying something new suddenly opens up a whole new world.

somove
(Indeed – only way the magic happens is if we get to movin’)

Yeah, but how does that work? What’s the reason?

Well, other studies have shown that dementia is more common in people who fail to continue learning or growing their grey matter into old age. This makes sense. My 80-year-old gramps was an O.G. armchair traveler, garden pimp, did meals on wheels, watched Daria with me, and would’ve lived forever if not for douchebag doctors. When he passed, he had baby’s-ass soft skin and was more agile than my mom or me – physically and mentally. Why? Because he and people like him sharpen the tool that lives in their skull. E’ry damned day you can: learn a new fact, help out housebound humans, take a new road home, or even just try a new exotic fruit. New brain connections form and say “Aw, shit… No… put the coffin back guys. We’re not dead yet after all. There’s more shit to learn here, apparently.” The only way to do this, though, is the following recipe: a delicious cocktail that’s one cup of “openness”, a tablespoon of “willingness”, and a peppering of powdered Clorox.

shitsarcasm

Thing is – if you’re a cynical and chronic closed-minded curmudgeon, that’ll be really tough to do. Your story ends when you stop letting in new concepts. So I wish you either some end-of-your-tether motivation to change, some loving inspiration that alters your outlook, or – ya know…

…a reeeeally patient and wonderful family willing to take you to the E.R. at 4 A.M. when you start snacking on thumbtacks.

Have a beautiful day!