Lessons we can learn from the Marlboro Man’s death.

Wait. O.G. Marlboro man only just now died? Just…now? He was like, 85. I’d say that span of living is nice ‘n long for compromised lungs that had a daily cascade of chemical toxins assaulting them. The cowboy rancher got hired to be the face of filtered cigarettes back in the day because – let’s face it – filters are for pussies. Thus, they needed a Sam Elliot sort to.. Read More

What happens when 9 year old bubblegum thieves miss court?

A warrant for your arrest? When you’re nine? It sounds pretty bad ass. And it probably would be if the kid in question had knocked over a liquor store or kidnapped your mom, got her addicted to heroin, and made her work in his brothel in the hidden dungeon under La Lavandaria downtown. But just like the clothes in that hypothetical laundromat, this Idaho kid’s story’s too clean to be.. Read More

A brief explanache on where you can shove your updates up and into.

So, a couple months ago, I reluctantly updated my iphone. I hadn’t done it for a while, so it went from version 1-point-have-you-heard-of-this-new-thing-called-the-wheel to the latest: iOS-can-I-have-the-old-one-back-immediately-please. I was momentarily relieved (as I indicated in a blog entry) because the rewards were many. And money. Literally – ‘cause I’d only done it so I could use a new and improved app that’d replace the abomination called Paypal. This was a.. Read More

Are you even reading the shiz you share online?

In between the feel-good crap I like to post, I also keep on local current events. Especially when it’s a kidnapping that’s happened in my childhood neighborhood. Actually, there wasn’t a kidnapping – it was a mistaken event some kindly neighbor witnessed including a dude shoving a girl into a car. I didn’t learn anything about it until after it’d been clarified this was a visual misunderstanding from the observing.. Read More

Teacher out on bail for student-screwing, screws student.

Ever fantasized about your teacher as a kid? I sure as shiz did. I remember Mr. Russell (sounds like a convenient, unimaginative, fantastical construction given my love of Russell Brand, but – yes – he was real). He taught track and my English class and had an ass that belonged in pants far better fitting than the travesty of trousers he actually wore. He was tall and muscular with ken.. Read More

The shade in this 40’s yearbook is RILL.

It’s easy to forget things were way diff back in the year nineteen-typewriter-and-pincurls. Like, I try to consider (sometimes, when I’m bored, supposed to be working, or both) being Pleasantville style transported back to a retro-era. Pointy sweater breasts. Long skirts. Everything in reality transpiring through Instagram’s “Inkwell” filter. And no matter how many times I try to Delorean daydream myself into a pre-now era, I know the reality wouldn’t.. Read More

Can sports help you sport a smile?

So, I just saw a Distractify list: “The 30 Most Photogenic People of All Time”. Naturally, it was fun to thumb through (or thumb and pointer finger – because: laptop mouse); I mean, who doesn’t like looking at pretty people? But as I was visually flipping through these candid snappies capturing grace under pressure, something occurred to me. Well, a few things. First, most of these images were taken at.. Read More

I won’t be happy till I have a Task Manager implant.

I wish I had a mental task manager. Obviously one that nixes people and events would be optimal…but I fancy myself a realist. So, I’ll settle for a behavior-modifying brain app. (A mockup of .0001% of mine. A legit scroll bar’d be naught but a horizontal sliver. What would yours say?) Yeah. One like this image. Just something that just changes me – my perceptions – without me having to,.. Read More

Were you attacked by a dog? Or a pit bull?

This was a good eye-roll-y headline to start off my day: “PetSmart shopper gets bit by pit bull in store” The story’s not much deeper than this – other than these two salient points: 1.) The Detroit Pet Smart in question didn’t help out or take responsibility 2.) Neither did the dog-owning dude who left right after his pet bit the other shopper. (This is what the dude looks like).. Read More

Do you wanna build a snowbridge? To eternal hellfire?

♫ Do you wanna build a Saudi Arabian snowman? Hmmm… Maybe another inquisitive Disney quote can help you answer this: Sure. Yes. Let’s build one. Right before we go to prison. And hell. ‘cause if you’re a Saudi Arabian frolicking in the fluffy white stuff they’re experiencing, then those are the repercussions for your ephemeral levity. As prominent cleric Sheikh Mohammed Saleh al-Munajjid says, the reason is that it goes.. Read More