With spring just a couple months away, I’ve been looking for Spring-spiration to improve my body karate game.
And yours (’cause I’m generous and I share tips here. You’re welcome).
But talking about exercise and health gets really boring after a while. Doesn’t it? Like, really, what hasn’t been said or done anymore? We’ve covered Gwen’s workout routines and looked at what frappu-greenos people gag down. And that’s all nice, but it’s getting old. Especially when my motivating idols aren’t gods – just humans like me who can get fat and old and have children and stretchmarks around a santa sack of midriff flesh. It’s upsetting. Who will be my new god? Thus, today as I sat here deliberating on whether or not to do a workout, this crossed my mind. And I thought, “I need new inspiration. People who are always sexy. Demi-gods to erect where prior idols have fallen-…” And then it hit me. Right around the time I said “erect”. Duh. Why hadn’t I thought of this before?
I mean- who has a better ass or thinner thighs than… a porn star?
So, today, we switch from Hollywood to Whorelywood with 4 tips from the pros on how to get the kinda body people pay to see nekked. And, also, we get to play a little game. You hafta guess which of the young advice offering ladies this belongs to:
Answer to arrive at the end. (Ba dum tiss)
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1. CORE WORK IT LIKE DANA
Some people do Russian Scissor kicks for a reverse crunchy toning sesh.
That’s good, but have you ever considered getting the tips of your scissors involved?
Like Dana the foot-jobbing porn star?
Dana: A lot of people complain about doing the reverse cowgirl position because you’re up top and you have to hold yourself up with your arms, kind of like a crab. You have to use your thigh muscles a lot. Yesterday I worked on a site called footworship.com and it’s a lot of foot jobbing — stroking dicks with your feet. It’s a core workout because you are basically doing a reverse crunch most of the time. My shoulders are really strong from doing scenes.
*Alternative for non-pornies: Add a shake weight to your kick routine!
2. STRIKE A POSE FOR CORE AND LEGS LIKE ASA
You might champion heated yin’s prolonged poses – right before you go home and murder your fridge with your face.
Not a porn star called Asa. She poses for photos instead.
And, as anyone who’s ever done a photo shoot knows, that shit lasts eight times longer than a yoga class. If you’re lucky.
Asa: I think posing for photos is a good core workout, just because you have to hold every position for so long. The stronger your core is, the easier that becomes. Reverse cowgirl is basically doing squats. If you’ve worked out your legs that day, to do reverse cowgirl is like torture. So I try to get out of that as much as I can. The kind of scene that is a real, real workout is when I wear a strap-on. That’s a lot of leg work.
*Alternate for uggos: Double and triple up on heated yin! Don’t leave the studio until you don’t know your name anymore!
3. BALANCE AND BAGGAGE MAINTENANCE LIKE CHANEL
Are you the type of bish who makes her dude carry her gym bag?
Stop that.
Take a tip from Chanel instead – who combines a bit of single-leg-balance action and carries her own bags:
Chanel: Any scene is going to be difficult physically. Even a fairly easy scene. You’re sometimes having sex on strange objects that are hard for you to stand on so you’re holding yourself up by one foot. People don’t understand how hard we work to keep those positions going. A lot of women do dom scenes, the role reversals where we have strap-ons. We’re basically taking on the male role and we’re having to squat and do a lot of activity and be in charge. And I know it sounds stupid, but I have a huge suitcase I bring to work everyday. That thing is so heavy. Most of the time we bring our own wardrobe. I’m hauling that big thing everywhere I go.
*Alternate for lazy people: Get it together now or die by yourself later! No one loves a lazy fatty.
4. BE LIKE JESSIE – DON’T DELEGATE THE WORK LOAD
Delegating is tempting – but they say you never gain anything from having someone else do all the work for you.
That’s why porn star Jessie is happy to score a few extra squats on the job by taking the reigns. The reverse reigns:
Jessie: The amount of work that you do all depends on what kind of performer you are. If you’re a new girl in the business you might just lay there and let the guy do all the work. If you’re a proper award-winning performer you’re probably doing all the work. Reverse cowgirl [is the most physically demanding]. No doubt. Imagine pulsing in a squat for 5 minutes straight. You really want to collapse after that, but it’s also my favorite in terms of positions, because you get the best workout.
*Alternate for squat haters: Compromise. Three super squat days. Four rocks-off-while-active-as-a-rock days. (‘cause I know those bishes ain’t bustin’ after five minute long thigh murder. I’m suddenly “not in the mood” just thinking about it. Then again, I’m rapidly becoming the lazy, die-alone in the missionary position type.)
So, there you go.
“People” needs to officially add a section called: “Porn stars: they work out just like us!”
Because you can’t tell me this advice isn’t golden.
(Oh, and dat ass was Dana’s. Dana the porn star.)