Unless you live under a rock, you may’ve heard about Putin having burgers in his ass.
Yep. He’s got autism, according to some sector of the Pentagon that gets paid to diagnose shit via T.V.
Kinda like how I deduced I had Ebola just now. Via WebMD. ‘cause I coughed. Last week.
(Insert obvi “Een Soviet Russia, Asperger’s has YOU” meme someone’s already done)
Asperger’s is this form of autism that throws you off your social and behavioral game a bit. It can manifest in things like obsession, disconnectedness, and mayhaps (if you’re a big time world leader) a touch o’ megalomania. Profeshes even say it can translate to good stuff (albeit less frequently than the bad stuff) like extremely amplified talents or capabilities in certain areas. (Cue to snappies of Putin riding horsies in the nude, shooting shiz with impeccable aim, and doing Jackie Chan level moves… all without a single muscle on his mug so much as twitching.) Alright, Penta-PhD. I’ll bite. In fact, I’ve done ya one better. ‘cause I’m adventurous like Vladimir himself. So I’ve gone ahead and done my own diagnose-imperfect-strangers game.
5 celebs I’ve diagnosed using this Putin-gon method:
1.) NICK JONAS
Remember that OCD masturbation disorder Chucky from Sons of Anarchy had?
As the photo above clearly shows, Nick’s def got the dick flicking disease.
And mayhaps a dash o’ crabs.
Next!
2.) BRITNEY SPEARS
You assholes all made fun of her back in 2007 when she had a “meltdown” and decided to rock the Mr. Clean look for a bit. But, isn’t it obvious? Look at the picture. She’s angry, she’s hurt, and she’s sick. Sick with cancer, that is. She just didn’t wanna wait for the shiz to fall out on its own. You should be 100% ashamed of yourselves for collectively being such dicks. (*On a more serious note, I think she did do it cuzza cancer – but not her own – more because this happened right after her aunt had just died of cancer. And it was like a grieving thing. But it was easier for the media to just say she done lost it. So, the moral is you should still hate yourselves and commit seppuku for using your emotional umbrellas to poke fun at baldy-locks.)
3.) DAN STEVENS
Diagnosis? Psychopathy
Level? Bundy meets Bourne Identity.
‘cause I just saw “The Guest” plus half of one interview he did. And I feel like that’s enough to say that he didn’t have to act too hard to play cray. (Also, I hadn’t been that simultaneously turned on and terrified since Marky Mark played in “Fear”.) Anyway these are my sixth-sense feelings. So that’s the label that’s getting officially scrawled in my medical records.
4.) KIM KARDASHIAN
This one’s as tragic as it is obvious – and sounds quite similar to Mr. P’s:
Actual ass burgers.
What you see in the photo above is a pair of fast food bun encased cow sammiches have grown and met-ass-tasized. Even the grease can no longer be contained, and has spread uncontrollably across her body, sheathing the entirety of her dermis in an oily residue. I give her one year to live.
And finally:
5.) DRAKE
What’s he got? “You already know….”
That hand tremor’s a dead giveaway: Drake’s got… Parkinson’s.
It’s a damned shame and we’re all rooting for you, buddy.
Well that’s all on the non-Russians. To be fair, though, when it comes to Vladdy – he does literally never move any of the muscles on the front of his head. And this is indeed cause for global concern (definitely worth wasting my tax dollars to research and analyze from afar). In all f’real-ness though, I think that this “let’s start a Putin rumor in the news” thing was really a smart idea. So here’s my re-diagnosiss not just on Russia’s leader, but on eeeerythang:
For example, when I’m not watching sexy psychopaths like Dan Stevens, I also catch bits of news.
During one of those times, I saw this thing about how we could be on the verge of a WWIII literal cold war.
How, what, and why you ask?
Over this oil at the top of the globe. What happened is that it just appeared (not actually, a buncha Arctic ice melted and now that it’s accessible, everyone’s clamoring mani-frost destiny style for unclaimed goodies). And Russia’s leader’s all fueled (get it?) by the power of how easy it is to bust into neighboring regions and lay the smack down. (So, how hard could claiming the crown o’ the earth and all its resource-y deliciousness be?) The fear’s that Putin’s willing to break peace treaties and such to access and own the oily goodness (he either wants all of it or a really unfair amount – I’m not sure. You look it up, lazy!). So, what’s this got to do with this weird Asperger’s dx? Or why it made worldwide news (even weirder)? Duh. They’re trying to throw homie off the same way torturers do to POWs or my first ex-boyfriend used to do to me (damn, he was good). I think if Puty’s got anything mental going on, it’s a big head (or, as we in the field call it: pride-ro-cephaly.)
The more victories he has, the more egomaniacal, megalomaniacal, and narcissistic he gets – all traits that probably got him to where he is but have just gotten amplified from success, leading to more success for himself and his nation (that “millionaire, positive mindset” thing). So, if he relies on this impeccable mental state of ruthless, untouchable, godlike ubermensch to thrive, what do you think hearing everyone on the planet say you’re autistic would do to your nation reigning game? Just a spoonful of doubt makes the supermen go down. Even Hitler had his mind ‘n body doc as his right hand medicine man. Maybe the hope’s that Put’ll do the same if he thinks something’s wrong with him. Then we can send in a spy to fill that role, or at least pay the guy who takes it to pump him full’a mystery meds and tranquilizers like Hitler’s dude did. Maybe that sounds like something outta “The Interview”, but I’m just spitballing here. ‘cause if nada else, I highly doubt this shiz made news for our own personal edification.
The government’s not gonna fund a research effort just to tack a #TheMoreYouKnow star on it.
Still, I wish the rumor’d been asthma or pot addiction.
So we could all call him “Vlad The Inhaler”.