Jesus, Mary, and Snowseph, winter’s here in a big way, already!
I’m not in New York or anything, but as we share the same coast and aren’t that far apart, I had to admit these snappies of the flakey downpour in Buffalo certainly had me checking my calendar to make sure it’s still only November. Do we usually start the ice works this early?
Or at least, this much?
Now that I think about it, this is really Starbucks’ fault. I joked that they set the seasons with their specialty drinks being brought out too early. But they really must. ‘cause this year winter brought the same fierceness Rupaul does to the Drag Races the second candy cane lattes hit the counters. But, I’m all about solutions. And if you’re a Buffalonian, I can think of at least a kajillion ways to make a bad thing good this week.
Here’s six of ’em:
1. Fulfill your traffic fantasies
You’ve sat in bumper to bumper traffic on this road when it resembled less of a death maze before – and thought, “I’d get to work faster on skates.” Well, now’s your time to shine, Kerrigan. Prove it! Strap on them foot blades and bring your Fitbit, my dude. ‘cause ain’t no cars traversing the freezeway today (Did you know: You burn extra calories and reduce brown fat doing cardio in the cold?)
I expect for you to report your stats back here.
And I dare you to not have at least a little fun doing it.
2. See the bigger picture (and then Facebook it).
Are you thinking the same thing as I am here?
Of course you are:
That if I opened my door to this, the first thing I’d do is move that debris outta the way. Then, I’d get dressed up in a half-buttoned up suit that looked like I’d just been in a fight, wheel out a bosses business chair, put a li’l grease on my face, set up the camera, and enjoy this brilliant photo op to reenact the infamous Scarface scene. Maybe even take a giant pipe from out back for comic effect (even though I’m pretty sure Tony didn’t even bother with a straw)
Oh, that’s not what you were thinking?
Heh.
Weird.
3. Fulfill NBA fantasies
Wait for it to freeze over tonight, slip into your jersey and Jordans (is that what you kids are still wearing?) and get in that white boy dunk you’ve always passionately wanted to do (just not enough to actually practice or get help learning). Now’s your chance.
Protip: Be sure to record it. That way, when the insufficiently frozen top layer collapses, plummeting you into a snow sarcophagus where you remain The Shining style till morning… we of the internet can eventually laugh at you.
4. Polar punk’d
Release your inner Ashton with my five point plan:
1. Take handle off door and door off hinges.
2. Smooth out rough edges till ice wall resembles original door.
3. Embed handle into icy wall where it would belong on original door.
4. Hide recording device to see who falls for it. Upload for internet fame.
5. Profit.
5. When life hands you snow walls, make a Maze-terpiece
Am I the only one who wants to call on over all my friends which I don’t have because I’d ask them upon arrival to do things like help me sculpt and paint this into a replica of The Labyrinth? Complete with the caterpillar in the wall and nifty doorknockers? Someone, please do this, for the love of Buff-“allo!” (Get it? Because: Caterpillar? Mmmno? K. Moving on.)
And finally:
6. Take a lesson from these dogs who are playing my favorite game:
(I like how he shoves his bro’s ass out the door).
Dog wisdom: Ya run outside into the freezing cold (kicking your buddy’s ass with your front paws all the way), dance around to celebrate how awesome you are, and then come back inside.
And instead of damning the skies for sharting down spongy ice water…
…ya thank whatever’s beyond them you’ve gotta warm home with heating and food in it.
‘cause some pups don’t.
