“Said no person ever.”
It’s a popular funny-’cause-it’s-true phrase. Everything from “I love Mondays” to “That was a really good Kardashian episode and I learned a lot” can fit above that four worded phrase we love to employ. However, being the narcissist that I am, I just had to whittle it down to pertain to me specifically recently. And, as I share six of my own with you, maybe I’ll come to realize I’m not the only one feeling these feels. Let’s test it out. Any’a these said-no-one-ever’s ring true for you?
1. “Of course I love human babies as much as animal ones!” – said Ashley, never.
I was a baby once.
I hated it.
Next!
2. “It’s too hot out.” –said Ashley, never.
And no, I’m not just saying that because it’s winter.
Last spring, I fell in love. Not with a man or woman, but with the season of high temperatures and warm, face kissing winds. Even when those winds became sticky and my jogs were more like running on a planet with an aqueous atmosphere. I literally get excited just thinking about the smell of freshly cut grass and spritely little whatevers flying around and biting my ass and giving me welts. I’m tolerating the cold as best I can; but make no mistake – I’ve had the mental equivalent of a Lent calendar counting down in my brain since that fateful fall day when the thermometer numbers went south, along with my overall morale. You know, there’s much to be said about gratitude; but thus far my not-complaining about the sticky heat hasn’t made it stick around as long as I’d like.
Which would be forever.
3. “Let’s watch a movie! Better yet T.V.!” –said Ashley, ne-…
..okay. I’ve said this. In formative years.
But this past year – unless I’m really in the market for a cuddle buddy because I’ve short circuited after a panic attack and need comfort – this isn’t likely something you’ll hear from me if I’m around other people. I can watch a movie alone. Why would we do that when we have two brains between us and can interact? In fact, even when alone, I’m not enjoying it so much. I watched a full movie the other day, and I almost had a panic attack by the end, wondering “Why am I watching this? What am I learning? I’m not learning anything. I should probably just kill myself.” After a year of coming off all things chemical, I realize that I get really bored with being entertained. Sounds counter-intuitive – but it’s true. If it’s a live show – I want to be part of the act either literally or mentally (are you bringing zingers or information to me?). If it’s a film, I want to be puzzled – having to figure out metaphors and symbolism and sort out Memento-esque connections. Not commercial-punctuated formulaic dramas that trick my emotions into getting needlessly nervous.
4.“I wanna go shopping.”
(You hear me, houndstooth coat? You beautiful bastard who I don’t need?!)
Alright, alright. Another hobby of the past. Not a “never”.
And I’m not sure when the days of fashion obsession and general merchandise euphoria ended, but I’m staring down their tombstones every time I have to hit the mall for something-or-other. I have clothes. They’re pretty standard and can weather the shift of seasonal trends. If you’re fashion obsessed, I have no judgment about it. But for me, sifting through racks of shiz I don’t need that costs exponentially more than the poor little fckkr with flies on its child face got paid to make ‘em – seems ridiculous. Especially when me funding such nonsense (for every oscillation in temperature) is sure to land me in said kid’s same socioeconomic status. Don’t get me wrong – I’m far from a saint who’s never wasteful. I still pay too much to murder the color outta my hair. And immediately after, I also fund the overpriced products to preserve the coif corpse I’ve just maimed as it enters Chi induced rigor mortis. That’s bad enough as a habit. So shopping or even browsing seems ridiculous for me. You shop when you need things. And right now, all I need is the paper I can trade to carry on living in a temp-regulated home, buying fruit and water (that’s probably just bottled tap), and affording (mandatory) medical care. Can’t get that at the mall.
5.“Ugh… I should have eaten fast food – not worked out. What was I thinking?” –said Ashley, never
Here’s a New Year’s resolution (and yes, I’m using an apostrophe, fellow Nazis, because the resolution belongs to the New Year – if you’re the type who has to wait 365 days to make a change #shade) we all can remember and keep close to our hearts but won’t. I literally can’t remember a time when I’ve regretted hitting the gym, trail, or elliptical. Even when I’ve eaten pavement or sprained a muscle or twisted my ankle – I always feel monumentally better after a good sweaty sesh. As my cardio pen-pals (friends I exchange stats with post-workout for progress and stuff) have admitted to sharing my feelings on this matter, I tend to think it might be one of those shared experiences most humans have. So… why is it so hard to remember some days? Because of lazy? Or because of difficulty in mode-switching from anything to anything else?
6. “You drive.”
So long as I’m in a sound state of mind and that mind’s within a four-wheeled metal death weapon, I’d like to be in control, thanks. Don’t like it? Fine. I’m not above contributing to the extra carbon emissions by riding separately. You always complain about my amazing taste in music anyway.
I feel like there’s much to add to this list. And there’ll be more later – if you’re patient.
I’m just afraid that if I give it all up now… you won’t love me or come back for more.
-said Ashley never.
(’cause they always come back for more.)