Now, that’s just impressive.
A fourteen year old kid camping out in a Walmart for the better part of a week?
I mean – the feat itself is impressive. First, I give him kudos for being able to remain not-caught for four whole days. Second, that’s some cognitive kung-fu of the gladiator genre if he was able to hole up in that portal to hell most people have to ride through on a motorized scooter. And, third, who doesn’t want to pretend they’re Natalie Portman whose boyfriend just left her stranded while preggo in the WallyWorld parking lot?
I totally bet he danced around in the aisles at night, too.
Given the fact that this was a fourteen-year-old boy who ran away from home and not an impish life-loving actress who can steal even the hearts of hitmen, there was to be no baby delivering in this tale. However, the baby aisle was indeed relevant during this adventure. In fact, between hiding behind fortresses built out of Scott and Charmin’ and bikes, that was where he spent half his time and gathered diapers. Then, he’d abscond with them to his hiding place and rock it Depends style all day, so that he wouldn’t get caught skipping to the loo during store hours. ‘cause, ya know, the smell of aggregating excremental buildup is always pleasant when it’s sitting under a freshly manufactured hot off the press from its mother’s womb neonate. So, a teenager’s definitely smells better and wouldn’t tip anyone off.
Au contraire, my valiant vagabond teen.
Homeboy actually did quite well and must have either lifted some aerosol febreeze or he expels daffodils and roses from his arse, because somehow, the fetid fecal fumes weren’t what got him caught. Rather, it was a trail o’ trash and empty snack packages that led the staff Hansel and Gretel style to his secret lair.
Although it’d be pretty terrifying to follow a trail mix trail to a little hole and have a human jack in the box you at the end, I’d like to take this moment to share how it could always be worse. Like, if it happened in your own home:
All in all, kid did pretty well for being left with an aunt who was so consumed by the enchanting glow of the idiot box that he could sneak away unnoticed in the first place. Hopefully he doesn’t get bored of using abandoned homes and large discount stores to get his kicks and move onto crack. In fact, if you’re reading this, kid – I challenge you to squat for a week in Target, Dick’s, and Bed Bath and Beyond, recording the whole experience, uploading them to Youtube, and making a shiz ton of cash from it.
Then, you can finally move away into a real home away from your clearly neglectful parents and family who doesn’t love you. Because just like Portman’s character proved when her dude deserted her, if people leave you in the first place, you don’t need them.
Fckk ’em.
(Sidebar: They totes added that plant to this scene to subconsciously remind us of Leon and trick us into loving an otherwise campy movie.)