On the heels of the Meth-ican Taco truck, we now swing our cultural interrogation lamp…

…toward China.

Down for a side of “nod” with your noms, kids? Why not try Zhang’s opium-MSG special?

Just kidding. You can’t.

Firstly because the culinary chemical secret santa had his place o’ bizz in Shaanxi Province, China (you’re probably not hanging out over there, are you? Most of you?) And secondly because, well, Mr. Lo Mein got nabbed by le man and shut the puff down. Ya know, I kinda feel for the guy. He bought all these seeds last month and spent painstaking hours crushing them into a fine powder, just to pepper your Peking duck with dope, and you all ungratefully come back to point your sweaty fingers at him the second a cop pulls you over for driving funny and throws you for two weeks into jail for inadvertent junkie-ism? (I imagine Chinese jails looking like something out of the Count of Monte Cristo). F’real though – those poor unassuming dining dipshits. I mean, can you imagine, just driving along after a nice belly filling meal, and suddenly feeling very euphoric and simultaneously ill?

Then the colors of all the stoplights suddenly start to look very vibrant?

And then – so do the flashing blue ones in your rearview?

Because you’re driving on the sidewalk?

Ultimately, when a lot of not-your-regular-fiend sorta people started getting tossed in the clink for driving high, police had to do a little research. That’s when they traced the trail of dirty urine all the way back to Zhang’s special laced seasoning.

You know, it took me a good long time to quit foods like Chinese as it is.

I’m in good company too, ‘cause these kinds of food already have addictive qualities. Back in my formative years, there was almost never such a thing as “leftover Chinese” when I ordered it. Why? Because I’d destroy the entire thing with my face hole, only to wake up at midnight and morph into a bile geyser…. Only to order it again in a day and a half, when I’d “recovered” and blamed the sickness on “something else”. I feel like that fits into addiction about as good as anything – and it did so well enough without adding bits o’ Buddha to the mix. #amiright?

Really, my dude.

How bad a chef are you that MSG isn’t enough too hook ‘em?

Gotta wonder what the touristy fams visiting WolfZhang Junk thought was happening…

“See, Billy? This is what REAL Chinese food tastes like.

And we’re not leaving till you finish your egg drop poppy soup!”