What’s sooty, soapy, and filled with the sounds of Jackhammers?
Why, a two hour rescue mission by firefighters to free a crazy intruder bish from the chimney of her internet boo’s abode, of course. Ya know, it’s funny, I’ve had that “Tyler” song by the Toadies stuck in my head for two days now (fun 90’s band with more than one catchy tune about creepy murder stalkers #nostalgia). And then, lo and behold, I read about the “Tyler” of Tinder in the form of one Miss Figeuroa who played a premature Mrs. Clause when she tried to enter her prospective lover’s house at 4 in the morning – by way of his chimney.
“LET ME LOVE YOU!!!1”
You know, the dude is really just being ungrateful here.
Imagine all the socially inept young men of the world, just sat in their swivel chairs right now – a bedpan to their right, a roll of toilet paper to their left, empty snack bags sadly adorning the perimeter of their softly glowing monitor that has the current World of Warcraft game paused just long enough for them to sadly ruminate from behind their carbuncle spattered mugs and say, “I wish a girl would drop into my life.”
And here, this guy thinks he’s too good?
Rejecting an early ovary filled Christmas gift?
Can you imagine how many ForeverAlones would’ve totally celebrated someth like this?
After about two hours of what I assume was him vacillating over whether to phone the authorities or go grab some logs to start a nice fire to cook s’mores over, he finally did the former. And when the firefighters finally arrived, they took an additional two hours to release her – using jackhammers to break up the brick and dish soap for an effective grease-release. Naturally (in what’s probably the only act that makes this cray bae relate-able), she gave the officials a false name.
I totes identify with being mortified enough to deny your identity.
But now, she’s charged two-fold: giving false ID and a chimney BNE.
(Goss Pause: Had it been a dude, would a comic spin on this story still be doable?)
And this, children, is why we shouldn’t date online. You’ll only find yourself attracting the lost member of Rob Zombie’s Firefly gang. Just do what I’ve done instead – and get a beverage infused boob femme bot like the one I just ordered from Japan. And then, obviously, leave her out armed to the teats with some milk and holding a platter of cookies.
Ya know, just in case something better is about to drop into your life.
Just don’t forget to lube the chimney walls before you go to bed.