Sometimes I find myself lapsing into lazy, noncommittal, or masked language.
And I hate it.
Know what I mean – by “lazy” language? No?
I don’t just mean a hashtag you’re not even using sarcastically. I mean replies like “LOL” when I’m not really laughing (which – if we’re having a real life conversation – might be a quiet, “that’s so funny…”). Or it might be: “Oh that’s cool.” I call these lazy because they are. If I were really listening and envisioning the traffic deadlock you just described or your new oven with any real interest, I’d have asked some follow-up questions or a yes-and to your exciting news. “Were there dead bodies on the freeway? Describe the carnage in detail while I grab this bottle from the nighttable….” Or: “What can the new oven do? How many children will fit in there at once? Will it make you less angry at Thanksgiving when you morph from my mother into a panicked octopus because you’re trying to cook eight dishes using four burners?” So many questions I miss out on asking that’d make life more interesting. And they’re all lost to the conversation killer of my own unwillingness to play verbal volleyball.
Then there’s the noncommittal shutdown responses like “I dunno.”
Which might as well just be “I don’t care.”
This – and phrases like it – are also lazy. But they’re even worse because they’re half a lie, too. Truth is, I don’t know. Other-truth is that I could know, but I’m just not making a mental effort, and I’m shutting down that process before it even starts via three simple syllables. You know what helps me “know”? Actually thinking about whatever the question was. And doing it out loud, even. It’s like that one T.V. show “Who wants to win a million dollars by deliberating over kindergarten level questions out loud in order to make the show run long enough to be air-able?” You don’t need a grand prize to try this exercise. The whole process of elimination can be done right there with your pal. Even if the end conclusion’s still “I dunno”, they’ll like you better for indulging them by making a neural effort that probably took all of half a minute. And since I’m all about myself, people liking me is obviously my million dollar prize. Unless there’s an actual million dollar alternative option….
Is there an actual million dollar alternative option?
Moving on.
Then, finally, there’s the masked redundant language.
This isn’t so much laziness as it is fear (though some might argue that all of our negative responses to life – even laziness – are out of fear). The literary invisibility cloaks in which we drape ourselves are the difference between going raw dog and donning a dong beanie. We say something “happened” instead of taking responsibility. We say “All’s I’m saying” and “Naw what I mean” as conversation fillers and/or softeners. And we don’t just over-use “I love you”. We straight up lie. Most of the time, we aren’t thinking anything remotely to do with love when we say it. It’s just a meaningless salutation half the time for romantic partners, family members, or drunk coked out party girls who are parting ways. And both of them usually know it.
Or terms like “bro” or “no homo” – which remind everyone how you identify sexually.
(The latter of which these two guys couldn’t have used – given the context):
Though I love to the quadrillionth power the sentiment here, I wonder:
What would have happened if the guy getting the news hadn’t used “bro” so much? Would he have laid awake all night wondering if his long-time buddy took that as a sign he was gay too? And wanted to hook up? When he really didn’t? Is it really that hard to just say, “Even though I’m not gay, I’m your best friend. And it’s fine that we’re different. Nothing changes. But if you’re worried, you can come over and we can get high and drink my parents’ liquor and talk about it.” Or whatever 13 year olds do. These kids are barely teenagers, but the rest of us don’t have an excuse.
We kidults have years of experience, and thus an arsenal of English skills.
So let’s leave “Lazy and Afraid” for “Who Wants to Win a Million Likes IRL?”
Mmmkay?