A lot of my long, boring rants on the latest scientific findings rely – at their core – on mice to prove their points.
Optogenetics. Addiction studies. Habit hacking. They all refer back to some study or series of studies in which lab rats, mice, or some sorta rodent was used. Which probably leaves a lot of non-scientists wondering… Um…What the fluff do we have in common with these creatures?
(Oooh… #foreshadowing)
Don’t I have more genetically in common with a banana?
Probably. But unfortunately, bananas can’t respond to me shoving a needle full’a mystery medicine into its fat furry ass and then waiting to see whether it explodes or turns into some Prometheus creature. So I was interested to hear today what the science had to say for itself when I wondered into my Google machine like a magic 8 ball of half-accurate answers: “Why do we use mice instead of any other animal?”
Basically it boils down to a happy medium.
We like mice ‘cause they’re nice and small, easy to manage, and easy to manipulate. Also, we use them because they have at least a couple of important things in common with us (some of us more than others). Like their metabolic processes and immunological processes – in mice, that’s all super similar to our own. And finally (something that quasi-surprised me) is that their genetic information can and has already been mutated to match ours a little bit more closely before we start doing tests on ‘em.
That means that where they aren’t like us, they become more like us.
Alright. I guess I can sorta see where that’s needed because although we have some of the same biological processes as lab mice, it has been discovered that the actual pathways through which their bodies go to achieve the same results as we do, vary from our own pathways. That sounds boring to the point where you might not think it matters, but it does. Think of it this way: Are you a dude? Let’s say you’re a dude. For the purposes of this analogy, you’re gonna be a heterosexual dude. You and your lady both (hopefully) climax during sexy time, yes? But the ways you get there are a bit diff, no? Let’s do a thought experiment: what’s the likelihood that you’d get there from someone penetrating your genitalia tubing with something? Even if it was appropriately sized? Wouldn’t enjoy that as much as your homegirl does? This less than stellar analogy comparing gender to general genetics disparities is the best I can employ right now to describe how pathways matter just as much in science. Actually more, ‘cause those pathways are what the drugs and medical treatments we’re test driving actually affect half of the time – like taking different routes to get to the same place. Different roads hold different obstacles.
So, part of me thinks it’s really cool – that we can manipulate rats to match our coding. And that it could be helpful in making sure we’re matching up bio-pathways. But another part of me is kind of scratching my head… asking: Science has to do an experiment… on the test subjects… so they can be good enough test subjects… to experiment on again? Add in the humanizing element, and there’s something positively Frankensteinian about it. We’re twice filtering the life forms who ultimately decide which drugs end up going to trial and end up in mass circulation for human consumption. Also, how humanoid might these mice get? What if they become self aware enough to rebel and sabotage our experiments? In that way, this answer to my question only raises more questions. I’m no longer wondering why we use lab mice, but if the way that we are using them – manipulating their DNA to be more human – is just creating new variables. And new potential problems? Like a legion of Tank Girl’s talking animals ready to battle the AI robots (who’ll obviously be ubiquitous fixtures by then) for world domination? Come on. Didn’t we learn anything from “Splice”? Or the new “Jurassic Park” movie that hasn’t come out yet?
Or the Goliad episode of AdventureTime?
I feel like we need a new rule: Lab animals are like other people’s children.
You don’t put your DNA in them.
Under any circumstances.