So, my brain just short circuited.

It turned “too much internet for today O’ clock” – already, before 9 A.M. – the moment I made the mistake of clicking on this story about a dude with dual dongs. Or as he calls himself DDD (“double dick dude”). Then, I made the follow up mistake of clicking on the actual image. It’s not one of those awful things that makes my sensitive side shudder like seeing a video of someone falling down. Or starring in a snuff film. Rather, it just rocketed me into an ogling audience member of a P.T. Barnum sideshow. All logic and rational thought stopped as I gazed upon what I’d anticipated would be one normal sized phallus, split by Saint Jesus into two, sacrificing the size of each in the process.

Nope.

Maybe it was the angle.

Maybe it’s just that his mom and pop never nipped his fleshy turtlenecks off.

But these things were both standard sized equipment, straight from the factory.

So are the rules different for a dude packing twin peens? I guess so – since he has both a girlfriend and a boyfriend. (and if that’s not fun enough for you, said man and woman were dating each other. Until they met triple D here.) I can’t show the picture (obv.), but you can look it up. At your own risk. Because from the aerial view the owner/photographer snapped, they’re pointing away from eachother –as if no-homo style trying to escape making contact. The result? Something looks like a penis peace sign. Ironic, since I’ll never have a sliver of peace myself until my millions of questions that immediately have supplanted any regular thought processes are answered, ten at a time by him. For example:

Do you reserve one side for your boyfriend and one for your girlfriend?

If one catches the clap – does the other one have it too?

Which side do they hang to when you’re sans underpants?

Does one guy geyser go off if the other’s getting the action? Bilateral sympathy bust?

Can they compete with each other?

Can one stand and salute me without waking his buddy?

Which one pees?

Do you call them Johnson & Johnson?

Or Jose and Hose B?

Can you cover all entry and exit points if you lay sidew-… Wait.

No – if she lays sideway-…

Wait…

Nevermind. This is too confusing. I’m getting a headache over this doubleheader.

I could read the memoir – but I don’t think it’ll help.

For one, it’ll just further fuel my penis envy.

And either way, I’m never gonna sleep again knowing this thing is these things are out there.