I’m playing Marla Singer, and being “the big tourist” as I sift through my Facebook newsfeed, lurking out everyone’s theories and plans for end times. Not much longer, now! What time is end times? 11:11? Noon? Never?
Anyway, instead of theorizing one way or another whether the Mayans had it right, wrong, or in between, I decided to entertain myself (and maybe you) with the top ways I’d like/not like the world to end if it must:
Melancholia:
You know that movie with Kirsten Dunst and Alexander Skarsgaard? No? Probably not? Anyway (SPOILER) it’s about a planet that’s moving toward earth, and everyone thinks it’s going to crash into them, and then it doesn’t, but then it really does when it surprises everyone and circles back at the end.
Anyway… Their planet kind of was boring, but I would love to have Jupiter or Saturn slowly make their way toward us until some planetary crash ensues. I used to think it’d be no big deal, until I saw this:
Jupiter would totally turn us into a fiery wasteland of radiation! Yet, it’d be a pretty sight before our big bon voyage. Saturn (not shown in the vid) would also be amazing to see. Since its rings are made up of pieces of ice, dust, debris etc., I wonder if they’d look as cool coming at us. I’m sure it would.
Zombie Apocalypse:
*Yawn* I love Romero as much as the next B horror flick guru. Walking Dead has given me a reason on Sundays to not slit my wrists as the panic and dread of the imminent Monday workday sets in.
However, that’s the point. I like watching the show… on my T.V…. while laying on a heating pad… with electricity. The main idea here is that I live for my creature comforts. Zombie apocalypse would be inconvenient for me on several levels. First – I can hardly survive regular life even with all the “necessary evils” we’ve come to take for granted. Without them, I couldn’t survive an hour, and frankly I wouldn’t want to. No coffee? No contact lens replacements? No NatGeo or Dexter? No, thank you.
Secondly, with my bad back and sciatica, I already have quite a limp. If I ever got separated from my pack of survivors and some badass archer spotted me, I’d totally get an arrow to cranium for looking like a “walker” (or limper in my case).
So… fun in theory/entertainment, but not for our post-pocalyptic dystopia, thanks.
Alien Invasion:
Another nuclear nope, for the similar but not same reasons as the Zombies. Obviously, life is going to change and usual comfortable standards of living would go out the window. I mean, you don’t have to think too far outside the box on this one.Europeans were pretty much aliens coming to America as far as the Native Americans were concerned, and we all know how that ended for the latter of those groups. Manifest destiny is a pretty universal concept. If creatures in crafts suddenly pay a visit, it’s likely not going to be to issue formal dinner party invitations, and I’d prefer not to spend my remaining days as some Auschwitz style experiment to E.T.
God Being Real (and on my side)
So…if I was wrong and God is for real (complete with a staff and lightning bolts and he comes down to kick ass and take names), I really hope I’m on his nice list and that all my exes and certain colleagues are on his naughty list. Also, on our way back to Heaven, I hope he lets me sit in the front seat of his sleigh because I get car sick really easil-
Oh wait. Santa Clause. It’s Santa Clause I’m thinking of there.
I get those two guys confused all the time…
Fight Club
Anyway… I guess that’s it. Something pretty and stellar and astronomical has to happen, or else I’ll be disappointed.
However the world ends, though (should it transpire during our lives and if we have time to plan for it), I intend to reenact the end scene from Fight Club. So, I’ll start taking applications now for someone with whom to reserve a high rise room with a view, so that they can hold my hand, as The Pixes play in the background and we watch ish blow up around us.
I am Ashley’s insatiable will to witness Jupiter slowly swallow Earth entirely.
xoxo
<3~A