I write about addiction a lot – articles I’ve seen and whatnot.
But what I don’t usually spotlight are the comments I peruse after the article.
For example, this one struck me today and I wasn’t sure why at first:
“I’m a social worker who works to rehabilitate chronically homeless addicts in the USA. This article raises a lot of valid points that the non-addicted population needs to be aware of. However, this also is treading in dangerous water. The mentality of “the devil made me do it” (blaming the environment) is extremely detrimental to those who are attempting to recover. A major component of recovery is to take responsibility for one’s actions, and to make amends for those actions. Blaming everyone else only creates more resentments, leading to relapse. On top of this, it is just as important to educate the population on the genetic factor involved. If at-risk individuals understood how much it could affect them, then it could keep them from using drugs/alcohol in the first place.”
I think it’s because I’m half and half on his reply.
What I agree with is weighing genetic factors. What I disagree with – is that that’s enough.
(If people are miserable enough, they just might turn to it anyway.)
What I agree with is that we can’t just externalize the blame – and end it there.
What I disagree with is not blaming externals at all. I need some kinda explanation. Beyond being a monster.
If your motivation turning to drugs or alcohol isn’t about letting your hair down or just having a laugh – but to change how horrible, confused, and insecure you naturally feel about yourself and your place in the world all the time – then there’s something, likely, in your environment that preceded that feeling. Something ingrained. Learned or genetic. Issues that have gone unaddressed until they became thought-habits and personality traits. What happens in addiction recovery is that you acknowledge what you’ve done in your past and make peace with it.
This is good. I get that.
Still, I, for one, can not stop at telling myself things like (and this is just an example) “I’m still feeling confused and angry whenever I see this person but I’ll just forgive them anyway”. This is good as a band-aid treatment to avoid shot putting a daisy filled vase into the plasma screen T.V. at the moment. However, I need more. I need to bookmark it. Then I need to sit down and shut my effing eyes till the world disappears and I revisit the problem whose source reveals itself. Why does this person make me angry enough to want to fill a cake batter bowl with Pinot Grigio, unhinge my jaw, and chug the contents? Something they did or said long ago? This week? Yesterday? Once I sort that out, then I can tell myself, “Fine. That happened. Now it’s over. It’s not happening to you now. Hanging onto that anger is only making me miserable (unless I smash something – but let’s be honest, I’m running out of wall that doesn’t have holes in it). So now I can forgive that person. Right now.” That conclusion cannot be met until I understand the source. I’d say “maybe that’s just me – and my science-y brain.” But a lot of people who’ve quit the rooms of recovery feeling unfulfilled tend to corroborate this. So, when it comes to zero blame placing at all…
That said, there are stipulations.
Yes, you can blame. Quietly. In your brain. No need to call em’ out.
Because, as ever, the “yes, and” rule pops up yet again. Yes, even in recovery.
“Yes”, the environment’s to blame for motivating me. “And” I am to blame for carrying on after SHTF because my solution wasn’t fixing anything except my mood – about 1% of the time. Because 100% of the time, I was hurting people with it. Because I kept on anyway. Because I’m an adult and can alter my reactions and actions. Because I know there’s another way to live but was too scared. This self-actualization process is hard to navigate if you’ve been under the detrimentally brain-altering spell that is chemical addiction for a time – and easier once detoxed and clean. Now that I have gotten clean and clear headed enough to process this information unfiltered by chemicals; now that I’ve been enlightened on how I can change my story; now that I’ve seen heaps of others who’ve done it from even worse circumstances….Well, then, I’d be the only one to blame now if I went back to that behavior. This thought-process can extend far beyond drugs, too. We can be inspired by anything, but we have to be open enough to save ourselves and willing to accept the help to do it. I mean, even Beatrix Kiddo wouldn’t have kicked any ass without Pai Mei kicking her ass first.
After that, she doesn’t stay in her coma bed saying, “I didn’t ask to be shot! Or screwed like a Bundy victim!” She doesn’t stay in the grave, saying “I didn’t ask to be buried!” But, above all – preceding the badassery – she doesn’t starve saying, “I didn’t ask to punch that board until my knuckles look like a boxing mit! I refuse to eat with these sticks!” No. ’cause she would’ve starved. Similarly, for us to not spiritually starve, we have to work through the pain of fear or withdrawal or change in general, pick up those chopsticks (mental tools), and force-feed ourselves what we need to survive psychologically. Because you only get any revenge on the pain of your past and the inevitable pain to come (because that’s life) by getting a clear head. Cracking through the terror. Knowing that you can only change you… by making peace with reality as it is.
For me, making that peace takes as many fingers as there are in a peace sign.
One to quietly point out the initial cause – and one to point back at myself as a reminder:
“Yes, that’s why this happened. And I’m now responsible for changing it.”