If you’re like me – not a Bieber fan or a wiener owner – you may not have seen the recent Calvin Klein ads.
No, we don’t live under a rock. We just didn’t have a reason to see it.
Now… we do.
Because SNL has kindly taken the time to delight us all with this black and white parody rendition of what we’ve been missing. It’s funny how you couldn’t probably pay me to sit through the original boxer brief ads (okay, maybe if you paid me). But the moment I hear that somebody who takes themselves seriously is being sacrificially crucified to the satirical comedy gods, I’ve got my Youtube spectacles on and I’m researching every last monochrome, senseless, people-making-Zoolander-faces-you-try-to-imagine-them-making-on-a-toilet-after-too-much-Taco-Bell advertisements. All in the name of being able to enjoy the parody version appropriately later and get all the references. So, if you’ve not seen them yet, no need to open a new tab. Ashley’s got you covered.
Here’s the O.G. Klein Briefber commercials:
Okay, there’s probably more, but I can’t even, odd, or zero with these things.
I’m guessing from her boxers, shirt, and bedhead, that we’re meant to get the idea she’s JBF’d by JB. That makes sense. What doesn’t make sense is why, in her state of what should be post coital bliss, she’s wandering around like she just escaped Abu Ghraib? Her eyes look like they’ve seen unspeakable war crimes. Even her two chicklet teeth are trying to escape the horror show happening in her head. What happened in there? Did he beat her like he’s beating those drums? Did he go Bateman on her? (There were rumors he wanted to reprise Wahlberg’s psychotic “Fear” role. The yes-and is the premise of this whole article showing that he’s trying his hardest to follow in Marky Mark’s footsteps otherwise. No one can remake “Fear”.) No, I don’t think it’s any of that. And if you’re a fan of the big boy pop star, you might be thinking I should put a sock in it with my callous suggestions. And you’re right. Not just because it’s unkind to assume the worst, but because putting a sock in it is exactly what he’d do….
…In his Calvins. Oh, burn! That’s why she looks dazed and confused.
Now, when I imply I’m seeing an amplified package, I’m not being cruel.
I’m just going off’a logic: Wahlberg did it. Wahlberg’s his idol. Why not?
Ahhh… you see what these ads are doing to me? You take a human man (who’s probably quite nice under the James Dean faces he pulls for the camera) and turn him into a Picasso collage of meat parts, and this is what happens – people like me just trying to live a spiritual life end up cruelly dissecting him further. By pointing at his meat parts. And analyzing them sardonically like a pedestalized underwear clad sorority girl getting marker drawn all over her love handles. How awful. That’s not what we’re here for, is it? No!
We’re here to watch other people do that. And laugh passively instead. Like snide cowards.
Here you go, you horrible swine:
Now go scrub your souls and say a prayer for this boy.
And that girl.
‘cause we still can’t be sure what’s going on behind those PTSD peepers of hers.