My dad always says to open with a joke. So we’ll start with one I just made:

Patron to waiter: “Knock knock.”
Waiter: “Who’s there?”
Patron: “Chamomile.”
Waiter: “Chamomile who?”
Patron: “Chamomile come any faster? I’m starving…”

*Ba dum tissss*

(Surely that’s been made up somewhere, sometime prior to now. But we’ll pretend it wasn’t.)

My ridiculous opener is meant to illustrate one of my most salient character defects: impatience. And I’m just as impatient with my chamomile (or any, really) tea as I am with my food. Even more so, maybe. Because when I’m sick or sad (or just trying to keep myself from traveling upstairs with my durian knife in hand to physically silence the neighbors who live directly above and seem to be hosting WWE in their personal domicile), it’s nice to enjoy a warm cup of liquid attitude adjustment. But obviously, it’s more comforting in the winter than in the summer, I can’t chug it right after a workout, and it is a bit of a nuisance to put on the water, wait for it to boil, and wait to steep the tea bag. If I need immediate comfort and respite from the homicidal proclivities dancing in my head like sugar plum fairies on Christmas Eve, that’s too much time. They’ll be tying on the tenth toe tag of the last of my late neighbors by the time we hear the kettle whistle.

I need my tea fix yester-second.

Clearly Sheldon’s A.) not buying Yogi brand. And B.) needs some Kava tea.

Because Yogi’s shiz truly works. Especially if you’re not putting any other kindsa toxins in your body that’ll block ‘em out. Kava feels like nature’s valium. Skin Detox feels like a spontaneous chemical peel. Cinnamon Healthy Skin feels like a spontaneous moisturizer. Blueberry Green Tea feels like Spanish fly for the reticular formation. And none of them are addictive. (Despite the fact that I scratch at my clavicle each time I make some, literally watching for a pot to boil.)

So, what can we do to hasten this process?

How can I have my tea and drink in two?

In two seconds, that is?

My thought’s been: why doesn’t Yogi make iced tea? Seems ingenious to me. Immediate kava and skin fixes – why not? So, I looked it up. And I found a site by the company itself saying that “cold drinks are a no-no in yogi culture”. Something about it being a shock to your digestive system or some BS. But I can accept that, I suppose. What I can’t accept is their “yes-and” to it, saying “cold is bad and room temp’s alright” before they add, “make your favorite tea and wait for it to cool in the summer” This is categorically ridiculous. Like, why don’t you do that for us? And sell it? Why not put out room temperature teas? It can’t spoil. It’s water plus macerated plant parts. Yogi is a great company and I worship at their stovetop altar, literally. But this is pretty dumb. Unless I’m the dumb one and I just can’t find the site where they’re already doing this – it makes no sense for them to not make and sell room temp teas. They’d make an effing killing especially in the yuppy communities. Whole Foods would never be able to keep them in stock. Sure, people might chill them once they get home, but if you’re operating on some moral principle, you’ll have already done your part with your “don’t drink it cold” suggestion – which you can also put on your label. This is a gold mine. One you’re just shitting into. For no reason.

Great. Now that I’m incensed, I need a cup of Kava.

Hope everyone survives the wait.