Science says:
No need to feast on adolescent girls to look youthful anymore!
(Sidebar: Someone remind me to do a Dark Disney Part 2 including the incestuous OG version of Rapunzel? Kaythanks)
Yep.
According to recent research, a new sea creature might just be our answer to eternal youth. It seems a certain jellyfish (Turritopsis dohrnii) is capable of immortality. Whenever this species of transparent sentient gelatin gets injured or experiences some sorta trauma, they revert back into their polyp stage form.
Sheeit. I turn into a baby when I’m sick and hurting too.
Ain’t no thang.
In fact, the magical mystery fish are so superhero style immortal, that it’s virtually impossible to tell exactly how old they even are. These tentacle propelled Cosby desserts just spend their infinite lives backtracking into youth, undoing their own aging process. And where there’s the capacity to live forever, researchers will be on it like maggots on…uh… things that didn’t live forever.
But you’d better be ready to eat, sleep, and die in that lab coat if you’re taking on such a task. These guys don’t do well in captivity and need constant watch. Which is why the Bill Nye of Japan (Shin Kubota) has rocketed to pop culture fame by accepting that role. Kubota hand feeds the creatures shrimp and even sings karaoke to them (hey, if it works for plants…why not?)
So, what have these enduring blobs taught (aside from how to pee on ourselves)?
Well, there is the fact that the species shares more genetically with us than with insects or worms. So when we finally isolate the immorality gene or protein or whatever, the hope is that it’ll apply to our species (and if not, at least we know to fire the insects and worms from all the age-reversal labs for sure).
The only thing is, even if the whatever-it-is inducing deathless-ness for them jibes with our genetics – our social habits might not click so much. I mean, they do say a salient hitch in the study is how they don’t do well in captivity. Much like all sentient creatures, they wanna be free.
Meanwhile, back in BraveNewWorld-opolis, we’re interior decorating our self induced captivity constructed with monetary motivation and reinforced by fast food and fear. So, as much as I love the idea of mainlining youth and reverting into “polyp form”, there’s two problems:
1. With my luck, that’d mean an awkward acne ridden adolescence.
2. Doing it to look young while living McShitty is like spiking your green drank with vodka.
