So apparently, yesterday was “reset the net” day.
The idea, I suppose, is to bring attention to the fact that we’re all living in modern Orwellian society. (Thanks!) And I guess we’re meant to download this thing online in order to block ‘em out like M.Knight.Shamalamadingdong’s tinfoil “Signs” hats. But as one internet commenter aptly put it, it might just be a trick – to get us to download more spy stuff.
(Sigh. Uncle Sam’s the incestuous uncle that waits to fondle you while you’re sleeping so that you’re not sure what’s real or a nightmare in 20 years when you’re a crackhead living under a bridge.)
Then, there’s the slew of myopic (albeit hilarious) people saying, “I don’t care if you see my dick pics 😀 Or my bad online grades!” You know, I don’t have any big secrets on my devices, either (the torture dungeon where I water-bored prisoners using a see-saw and loops of children’s show theme tedious tunes on repeat until their ears suffocate and drown to death – is where the real fun’s at. And ain’t no electronics allowed. #ThatIsMeTime)
So yeah. No big deal. But like, what happens when I get famous tomorrow?
And the illuminati invites me to be part of their club? And I say “Nahhh… I just, like, wanna do this thing – over here instead, thx”…? And then they get angry because I’m bigger than a Bieber-Perry hybrid monster with legions of fans crying over me that they could be using me to mind-control? So they browse my browser, dog-earing the pages of my online life until they encounter all my bakery porn?
(The only way “a moment on the lips” won’t getchya fat. #amiriteladies?!)
And then they release that to the public? And sully my good name until I comply?
All because they were allowed to spy-scout about willy-nilly?
We gotta think of these things.
F’real. I get the whole “if you’re not doing something bad, you’ve nothing to hide” idea. But here’s the thing about that. A comparison that might resonate: if you believe the reason that we go to war is because “freedom isn’t free” – in essence you’re talking about the domino effect, yes? If the foreign dictatorial bad guy’s doing bad things in helpless country X that doesn’t directly affect us – we go over there and fight them off anyway. Why? Because it might have to do with us later. As King-Fuhrer BadDude gains power and momentum conquering country X, then next is country Y, and so on until they get to us. The idea is that they could grow and take over our country eventually. Boom. Domino effect.
But that same chain-concept is what people feel about domestic freedom – privacy. The idea is that “Well if we roll over and play submissive to this amount of privacy invasion, then they’ll keep pushing until we’re not allowed any kinda privacy at all.” I personally don’t have the solution (sorry), and I’m not sure those “reset the net” guys are any more to be trusted than my fire alarm (which – don’t look now – but is definitely spying on me by beaming off the Area51 device implanted into my lady taint).
(See if it has Instagram on it! Follow me if it does!)
It’s not that I’ve anything to hide. I just have things I prefer to.
For example, here’s list of other things I’d rather not be watched doing:
– Working out while wearing gobs of hair conditioner.
– Expelling diarrhea from my body hole.
– Removing my Mac makeup mask at the day’s end.
– Cooking (It’s chaotic. Go away. Don’t look at me.)
– Shaving my pubes.
– Plucking my eyebrows (makes me nervous).
– Dancing naked (do I look fat from your angle?)
– Having an oil enema performed.
– Flossing (the Julia Roberts mouth-expression isn’t a good look for me).
– Binge eating food in fleece sweatpants while on the rag.
– Changing rag rags (Zip your pants back up, NSA. It’s not the time.)
– Cleaning (Really? You’re just gonna watch me? And not help? Asshole.)
– Fapping (Or is it “flapping” for girls?)
– My morning cry on the floor (Two words: tetanus face).
– Torturing my dungeon captives with a hose.
– Popping face acne.
There’s more. You get the idea.
(FunFact: “Swan” is an anagram of NSA and the leftover letter “W”. Conceivably for “web”?)
I’m just imagining the kinda guy hired for that sort’ve job – getting off on seeing raw human nature at work. What kinda nasty ish must he dig to take that gig? It’s funny because I bet when he goes home from monitoring you ‘n me all day, his wife’s waiting with a printout of his browser history to shove in his nose, while asking, “What’s this muh’fuggin shit?”
Spy karma strikes again.