Let’s all have a moment of silence…
….
…for the awkward silences…
… that kill good conversations.
My dad loves intentionally doing this thing. He uses it as a conversational or public speaking device, though – calling it a “dramatic pause” or “pausing for effect.” And while this can work fantastically in a Toastmaster’s scenario, what makes some pauses okay and others straight up uncomfortable?
When I think about getting nervous around someone and not knowing what to say (like the first date or interview jitters), I get self conscious enough to either give into it and fidget – or start rambling. Sometimes if I ramble with confidence, I can get people to really listen to the bullshit fountaining out of my mouth.
But, indeed, if I’m in a low-energy state when that lack of awareness hits, the sounds of silence can be more deafening than Art Garfunkel’s hair is fluffy. Thus, I usually go for the former rambly thing until I’m back on track enough to start making sense – or at least making the other person laugh because that kinda re-jump starts the convo’s energy.
It’s said that one quantitative element that makes a convo jump from “marinating on whatchya just said” to “awkward” is the four second mark. But that seems kinda simplified. You gotta factor in the context – what’s the nature of the convo? Where and why’s it happening? What sorta body language is going on? Is it someone who’s just gotten bad news from a doc? Or two people on a park bench falling in love? In the former, I think it takes fewer seconds for silence to feel stale. But in the latter? Time stops, morphs into a Taylor Swift song of amorousness, and silence is a warm glow that feels natural. And I guess that’s a good thing that we don’t break that golden quiet period.
’cause there are worse kinds of awkward than silence.
And I’d totally say all of them.
I hear a mixed bag of reviews on the “silence” thing.
But it’s really only ever “awkward” when we make it so by linking on something negative mentally and getting self-conscious. I say pause if you need to gather your thoughts. Just make sure you’re using those moments to actually thought-gather, though – not think “OMG I’ve stopped talking. Now it’s quiet. Now I look dumb.” That way, you can let four seconds pass or you can let ten seconds pass – and the next thing you say to them might just be a real gem.
Ya know, assuming they haven’t gotten bored and left yet.