Google dude Larry Page estimates 50% of American jobs will be replaced by robots.
In the next decade or two.
That’s like – a lot. And not in that much time. While the first humans to get shitcanned and supplanted by R2D2 will be tax preparers, librarians, and telemarketers, even jobs like mine might become obsolete (can you at least pretend to look surprised?). In fact some online articles from news sources are already being automated. But when you think about the scrolling-bottom-of-the-screen nature of some of those articles, it’s not that surprising. And for news, I don’t think that’s always a bad idea – issuing straight facts sans a narrative or spin about current events. The only problem there is that the same douche-bags who call opinions “the truth” will be feeding these “facts” into machines. So, instead of optimal, we get Optimus Prime time. In a toupee. And calling your phone at dinner. And doing your taxes.
And replacing robot lunch ladies, if you’re Asian…
But you can’t replace all food jobs – for example, a ramen chef has to be human. Real love and training goes into that. That’s just culture and I know it’s true ’cause I learned it in a Brittany Murphy movie. #facts
Similarly, you can’t really replace writing gigs like mine because my job also involves the humanity element that accompanies two parts opinion and ten parts failed attempts to entertain you like a tireless court jester.
Also… let’s not forget: robots are just fancy computers. Computers have glitches and freeze up sometimes. That means the species that made our new robot slaves (you ‘n me) will need to constantly oversee them to make sure they aren’t slacking off or getting high bathrooms, right?
Pack it in, Workatron. You can’t feel anything.
Get back to answering phones in monotone.
It’s said that firefighters, therapists, and social workers stand the best chance of retaining human employment, but I dunno… I mean therapy’s already being done by bots via apps that read body language and once you get a machine that can withstand high heat and detect human life inside of burning buildings, that’d almost be a better job for a bot to do.
One argument made is about how this sorta kinda goes against the capitalist model our country’s so proud of – buy shiz, sell shiz, and money makes the world go round. Work hard and you can climb the ladder. So, will replacing menial tasks with technological advancements just eliminate the lower rung altogether until there’s just one large lower class Oliver Twisting our empty food bowls at the top few percent and begging for basic human needs to be met?
If we were a bit less douchey as a whole with less greedy goals, this could be an awesome paradigm shift. We could set up a nice resource based economy and let the machines do the tough stuff while people turn their real skills and hobbies into jobs they love doing. I hate to be a pessimist, but I feel like we’d need widespread social rehab for that shiz to happen and the fact that the only place we’ve got to live is slowly getting dead… somehow isn’t motivation enough. The thing is that the people who have the money love the money. You can’t eat it or breathe it and it won’t love you back, but owning it can give you power – if everyone else believes it has power. And absolute power corrupts, absolutely. So, there’s that matter.
In the end, I suppose there’s not much you or I can do to avoid Rosie from the Jetsons (was her name initially Rosa? #racist) snatching your occupation away with her titanium claws. But there’s no sense worrying. I prefer to look for solutions; however, I just don’t know if they’re the ones The Economist has suggested will keep you paid. Those will likely also be scarce in the long run, too. Or short run. Who knows? Not you. But what you can do is follow my five point plan:
1. Start taking night classes now to get your robot surgeon degree.
2. Ride out your current gig until a machine steals it from you.
3. Then become his boss for when he short circuits.
4. Profit. Barely.
5. If you can pass the interview.
#fiveplusfiveyearplan