Ugh.
I didn’t want to touch this story with a ten foot blacked-out-window van with candy inside. But seeing as its trending, I’ll say this: “Normal” sex robots already exist. Now, some creepers would like to fill creeper needs with “childlike sex robots”
The aim?
“to rehabilitate offenders the same way you’d give methadone to an addict.”
Right. Yeah. Ya know, I was addicted to painkillers once. It wasn’t fun. And while I didn’t need methadone or subutex or whatever to get off it or the anxiety meds I’d been taking for a decade, I get that some people temporarily do – before addressing the real problems instead of the symptoms. You know why some people do need it? Because it’s a drug. And it changes the reward system in your brain on an external-chemical-being-introduced level.
You might be thinking “But, Ashley – brain chem changes with regular bad habits too”. And you’d be right. But that’s more like the Harry Potter stairs that shuffle ’round and reconnect. It’s not the same. It’s plasticity. There’s no foreign substance screwing up natch processes, so you can unchange it with a bit of assistance and form new habits.
Do you need a robot to slap a cupcake out of your hands? No, you go to Jenny. Do you need a robot to tell you to stop being so negative? Nah, that’s what your Facebook friends are for when they post inspo-quotes right after your “world is against me” status update. So, if you don’t need a bot for those terrible habits that might be congenital, your man genitals can also be harnessed by the help of fellow humans instead of bots. And that way you can stop doing this in front of the playground tail:
Instead of fondling a machine that just reinforces that desire.
That said, let’s table BoyScoutBot and talk about the positives of robots serving our thrills. I feel there are many, many good uses to apply to our robot slaves before shiz flips and we’re theirs. For instance, here are just a few I’ve done with my own, in my spare time:
1 . VoyeurBot – What I do is purchase two, set ‘em up, turn on some Barry White, and gently bob my head in aroused approval like Quagmire.
2. Maximus Bot – Again, I buy two, but this time I tote them to Europe (in my private plane I totally have because if I can afford two robots to begin with, then I must have bought an aircraft off Posh somewhere along the way, as well). Once I land, the rest is obvious and you’ve probably already guessed it: travel to ancient ruins of an arena, set them up gladiator style in the middle, and listen to the sounds of the invisible crowd screaming for my life-determining opposable digit’s signal as one pins the other and slowly turns its head toward me. But I’m not taking requests…. Not tonight, Josephine….
Oh…. Wait. Shit. I just realized I paid national debt dollar amount for these.
3. Verbal GladiatorBot – This one’s great for mock-interviews – especially if you’re like me and you’re too hubristic to take real advice from real people. But what I really like using it for is when I’ve got a bunch of shadow-boxing going on in my head. It really helps me work through those potential dinner table debates I might end up having and those hindsight-witty-retort moments.
4. DogWalk Bot – Ah, yes. As a writer, I spend a chunk of my day in a time warp of pixels. So when I stop and actually look out my window, all that depth-perception and contrast is so foreign and frightening to me that I can only assume it’s something to be avoided entirely. Much better to stay inside and slowly descend into Secret Window style madness like every other person who’s had my job. And who I also never speak to. Speaking of which – if DogWalkBot can take my shih-tzu for a shiz, then my goodness!
Then I’ll never have to worry about encountering my own species again!
5. Batshit Bot – Wait – I just got an update from corporate.
We’re renaming this one to… “GirlfriendBot”.
Doesn’t roll off the tongue easily, but neither do the things she has to say to you. But, ya know. All in the name of not dying alone, amirite?!1
Oh, and I’d be remiss if I didn’t add in the final one:
6. Bobbit Bot – This tantalizing vixen is built with shears made by Swiss Army.
She’s programmed to offer pedobears a special form of robot rehab.
Version point next will have a few compassionate updates for the remorseful, thus earning it the title: LobotoBot.
Ooooh…. (*sucks in air through teeth*)
Sorry (*makes feigned pained face*)
You’re gonna hafta settle for our older version.