Miss Ashley Pants

It’s a sick day for me, so I thought I’d catch up on a little writing and share a recipe with you.

Of recent, my friend encouraged me to try out a more “plant based” diet. Thus, I bought a juicer, a bunch of produce, and things like maca powder, bee pollen, coconut oil, and have since been experimenting with mixing up my newfound dietary ingredients before coming up with a new fun “pre-workout” salad.

Ingredients:

1 Avocado – Roughly 300 calories, depending on size
1 Tomato – Negligible calories… Maybe 30
2 cups cut up leafy fresh kale – Are there even calories in this food?
1 Tablespoon Chia Seeds

Process:

1. Cut up the kale until it’s all choppy and bite size.

2. Peel, cut, and mash avocado until it’s somewhere between creamy and chunky.

3. Cut tomato into smaller-than-quarters (but larger than that diced crap you find in a burrito)

4. Mix everything together by turning/folding ingredients over top of eachother in a bowl with a big spoon so that a little avocado gets on everything for added taste.

5. Sprinkle chia seeds over top and then turn/fold ingredients over top of one another again until the seeds are all over everything.

6. Now, I’m not big on dressings, and most of them aren’t too good for you anyway. However, I do like a little extra “zing” added to my meal sometimes, too. I like mustard because it’s tangy and has pretty much nothing in it.

So, instead of pouring your favorite sauce or dressing onto my masterpiece and ruining the health benefits, just squirt a little of your favorite flavor booster into a ramekin and put it to the side. This way you can “dip” a little of each bite into it as you go. Same taste. Fewer calories.

7. Final step: Invest in some chopsticks. Why?

No, it’s not so you can act like some pretentious asshole.

Most dietary studies will show that people who eat too much do so because they eat past their satiation level, even though their stomach is sufficiently filled by a certain point. Why? Because Americans like to whorf down their food as if it’s going to grow legs and run for it’s life otherwise.

This is where the chopsticks come in.

Assuming you have an opposable thumb and any grey matter in your brain, you should be able to operate a pair of chopsticks. However, if you’re an American, you may be a little slow with them. This is a good thing. Why? Because your new-found eating utensils will force you to take your time eating your meal. By the time you’re finished, you’ll be full, instead of reaching for helping number twelve like you normally would be at this point in time had you used your usual shovel. I mean spoon.

Unless, of course, you’re just a fat ass at heart.

Finally, spoon out half of what you’ve made to consume with aforementioned chopsticks, and put the other half into a sealed container in the refrigerator with the options of either A. Saving it for tomorrow or B. Forgetting you put it there until it goes bad and never eating it. Either option is fine, but option C (going back for “seconds”) is never okay.

I’m not running the Heart Attack Grill over here.

xoxo
<3~A PS - Oh...I forgot the final step. This is called the Ash-LETIC Salad, not the SIT-on-your-Ash salad. So - you guessed it; the last step is roughly 30 - 40 minutes of cardio 1 to 2 hours after your meal. Avocados are the "healthy" kind of fat (yeah, I didn't know such a thing existed either), but fat nonetheless. So go burn that ass off before it assumes the consistency of the mashed meal you just ate.