I tried, man.

So, you might know I love brain hacks. And not just the self-trickery sort, either. I think I even posted an entry about binaural beats not long ago and how they can tune your brain into everything from sleep to caffeine style inspiration. And there’s heaps of other sound styles like those, too.

For example – ASMR.

Some people (douche residue, I believe they’re collectively called) pronounce it “ASS MAR”. And what it stands for is Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response. Now, for a long time, I thought this term was reserved for that skin tingly feeling we get when we hear a really amazing song. Wrong. People who experience ASMR actually get this sort of a brain-gasm when they hear certain sounds – paper crinkling, tapping, the sound of someone’s tongue parting from the roof of their mouth, etc.

Those capable of feeling it describe ASMR as “euphoric”.

Not one to pass up a chance to hit my cognitive G-spot (sans having to interact with others or do any manual labor), I set on a Youtube quest. And…the list of videos that came up should have been a deterrent in and of itself.

"Entering Weird Part Of Youtube. Better drink my own piss."
“Entering Weird Part Of Youtube. Better drink my own piss.”

Ultimately, I didn’t get it. Is this one of those things where you should have your eyes closed?

After approximately two minute of research (with my eyes open), I decided that:

1. The most effective one still only reminded me of my dog sniffing in my ear while I’m stretching on the floor.

2. That felt more like a spider army had infiltrated my shoulder bones than “euphoria”.

3. I sort of wanted to hear how they’d sound after I punched them in the jaw (not saying I wanted to do it – just wanted to know how it’d sound)

4. Salad Fingers was far better at whatever this vocal queef crap is.

For some strange reason, not much research has been done on this yet. (I guess if people start learning ways to get their own serotonin flowing, big pharma’d be big fucked). One researcher’s MRI study of subjects’ brains mid-sensation has yet to be published. Another scientist hypothesizes that the feeling might be a conscious experiencing of one’s own serotonin release. Ya know –the neurotransmitter that makes us wake up and kick ass after a refreshing sleep?

Oh…wait. That explains why I can’t feel it.

Here, you try it out. I can’t be bothered anymore.

All this lingual clicking’s making me anxious.