Ever get accused of walking around like your farts don’t stink?
Maybe that’s ‘cause they don’t. Because you’re gasless. Because you eat things like Beano before you go on dates with that hot quasi-goth-quasi-hipster barista who finally acquiesced to your advances. I wish I had a funny shame story here about having no control over my own noxious air emissions, but unfortunately, I just have ones about the junk-eaters in my family who blame it on “barking spiders” when their asses morph into French horn serenades halfway through me trying to eat a meal of food or being stuck in a moving vehicle slowly filling with their toxic anal aroma. To their credit, some of these people with whom I share blood have even learned how to master it like a samurai arse arsenal.
Still, the biology chick in me found the intestinal investigation into Beano kinda interesting.
Apparently, ardent farters take this pill to quell the ass coughing when they know they’re gonna eat stuff like beans or broccoli. What this pill’s meant to do is halt your booty fumes pre-creation. As the food makes its journey through your gullet, the stuff in Beano ninjas in between the complex carbohydrates and your intestines, thusly barring the toot to be from entry.
In theory, it all sounds good, but what happens long term is that you’re starving out the belly bacteria you need to process your noms properly. Keep it up for too long, and you might end up getting some of the same symptoms you were trying to resolve when you popped the pills in the first place – like bloating. So instead of being able to blame your occasional spritz of colon cologne on the dog or the fat guy at the table next to you or the catalytic converter, you just hafta look and feel unsexy is scentless silence. As you suffer the side effects of starving your gut germs. And ballooning over your beltline. And looking like a cross between Violet Beauregard and a trucker who’s sat on a high pressure air hose. So, mayhaps you’ll wanna either re-think your dietary options if your shiz mist smells that bad or find someone who was born without an olfactory bulb (although be ready for her house to smell worse than farts – trust me – I had a friend with this issue.)
Anyway, after reading all these adverse effects of Beano on your body, I’ve come to an important conclusion.
I’m definitely drugging 100% of my family members with it before Christmas dinner.
That or laxatives. While I sit back and enjoy the explosive shart show like Oppenheimer.
(Hey, I told you I don’t have enough personal stories. Gotta get ’em somewhere.)