Miss Ashley Pants

Oh, good.

I was just wondering what sweet, romantic movie I could take my Valentine to see this year.

And now I know – “Wetlands” – is definitely it.

I saw an article about this movie pop up on my feed, posted by a friend. It seemed totally out of character for her – given the type of sweet, unassuming sort she is. But as I skimmed through the article, I came to realize the reasoning. The post is actually a review with feminist undertones – written by a dude called Mark who took his boyfriend to see this graphic German flick. And who lied about what they were seeing. To lure him there. (Makes sense. I mean, if you showed me the below trailer and told me we were going to be watching this in public, I might’ve told you GTFO; the boyfriend admitted after that’s exactly what he would’ve done had he not been deceived into viewing this thing):

My deal isn’t so much to do with the movie itself.

I mean, for one – I haven’t seen it. So I can’t judge any aspect.

Yet.

But I dunno how much it’s gonna surprise me on a “Oh, okay, now I get why she’s using her clam lube as perfume” level. Making sexy time with bodily wastes or seeing hemorrhaging hemorrhoids are going to stimulate my brain’s anti-clitoris immediately. It’s gonna ick me the eff out. Make me feel something extreme. Then, on the other hand, that’s probably kinda the point. Especially when the main character’s argument is, in so many words, “This is sex. Squishy. Slimy. Wet. Get over it or don’t do it.” And that’s the idea, I gather – to gross you out and then tell you, “But that’s the reality of it, darling.” I think where they (maybe, I dunno – haven’t seen it yet) go wrong with it is by taking it a step to far when the excrement gets involved (not shown in the trailer but mentioned in the article). Also, I’m not sure how much I’ll agree with the author’s overall stance on it. The two boyfriends start arguing about the gender factor – and how it’s disgusting when a chick’s smearing her effluvia around but its okay when Ben’s gent glaze ends up in Diaz’s hair in There’s Something About Mary because that’s funny (which was his boyfriend’s argument for why it was a bad movie – that they didn’t make it funny).

I dunno what he’s talking about.

I’m still laughing over that zinger she delivers after her sanguine anal explosion at the doctor.

And that’s just the preview.

But the author’s argument to his boyfriend is that it’s not a bad movie. That it’s not too extreme. He says he feels like it’s about a woman taking control of her own sexuality by making her own tampons and sterilizing herself and marinating in her own chick musk. Mhmm. While I appreciate the intentions and support of our gay male feminists, I remain suspicious. I mean, how scooting around on a public toilet like a dog begging to be expressed accomplishes the whole girl-power thing, I dunno. Maybe part of the backstory is that she got traumatized early on? They allude to something like that – but then say she mixes up lies with the truth (so maybe this’s just the NC17 character study version of Girl Interrupted) I hope so. Because now that I’m obviously going to have to watch it myself to write a proper review, I’ll want a character with whom I can identify on some level.

Until I actually see it I can’t say if Mark’s trying too hard to glean a feminist message from it. But for right now, just seeing the trailer… it feels too much like that Sprite commercial. Shock for the sake of shock. The kind where if you want to squeeze a message out of it like Mark tries to, you have to reach farther than a German psycho trying to shave blindly around her broken bulging bum vessels. But it’s all conjecture for now.

But if nothing else, the article did make me really, really wish I was a gay man.

Who goes on gay man dates.

And writes about them.