I need to confess.
I did that thing the other day where somebody told me they “never knew” this one crazy fact about a fruit most of us love. And (by omission) I lied. By pretending I never didn’t know it:
Why did this person (who will remain unnamed mostly because I encountered them randomly on the interwebz and legit don’t know who they are) and I ever have it in our brains that pineapples did grow from up above versus below? Is it the same reason people spend half their lives thinking tomatoes are a vegetable? Or potatoes are an appropriate contraceptive? Just… stupidity? Or assumption? Both?
Regardless, my failure to make my fellow former believers (in the idea that every tropical fruit grows on trees) feel less sheepish and alone did not go unnoticed by the karmic gods. And I was promptly rewarded today when I stumbled upon this Stumbleupon page with mindblow after murderous mindblow – each aiming to maim every metaphor I’ve ever employed with a barrage of “Did you know this isn’t really true…?” Like the passive aggressive corrective Google search feature – except worse. And I, glutton for punishment that I am, masochistically read over them with tear filled eyes, knowing I’d have to just up my creative game when it came to artistic language from here on out.
Here are just a few that just spotlight my prior ignorance:
1. No, you can’t see the great wall of China from space (or the Staten Island dump – something which I did, fortunately, learn wasn’t true pretty soon after hearing the myth itself. #totallycancelsoutmystupidity)
2. The only blind thing about bats was whoever studied them and said they were blind.
3. Dogs do sweat – but only through their footpads. Panting regulates their temp, but it’s not “how they sweat”.
4. Adding salt doesn’t make water boil faster (I bet it seems like it though. It’s that whole “watched pot never boils” thing where time seemingly passes quickly if you’re preoccupied with something else. Like searching for salt to add).
5. Waking sleepwalkers won’t rocket them into some permanent apathetic hypnotic dreamstate.
6. Napoleon was actually taller than I am. (I’m 5’6”)
7. Iron maidens were just circus props (but I’m sure someone murdered someone else with it. At some point.)
8. Chastity belts were built to prevent lady wanking – not actual sexy time with randos.
9. Satan ruling hell isn’t actually anywhere in the bible.
(Kinda like a lot of stuff the peeps with the “keys to the kingdom” claim).
So, who knows who’s down there. Maybe it’s your favorite art teacher. Maybe it’s the Helen Mirren supercomputer from Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. Maybe it’s just a duck, who judges you silently for all eternity with his eyes, occasionally ruffling his feathers to remind you of his general disapproval. We’ll never know. But don’t fault the horned red man. Fault the incomplete book whose gnostic outtakes may still be in Egyptian caves awaiting our best ancient translators. ‘cause maybe Satan’s just a manager who took over when they other guy died of food poisoning or whatever and they couldn’t find a replacement.
10. I can’t anymore with these.
As hurt as my pride may be to learn these things, I like to try and find the silver linings in every sitch. And it’s actually not hard to see how this isn’t all bad news. For example, now that I’ve been Dwight-checked with facts like Napoleon having been taller than the tales people have been saying about him for eons, I can pass this gift of ego-smiting on to others. Specifically, by correcting their “blind as a bat” comparisons and “that’s how dogs sweat” disinformation.
And then, obviously, I’ll pretend like I knew these things from the moment I was born.
In a pineapple tree patch.
Because pineapples, as everyone knows, grow in patches.