“Better, same, or worse?”
*click click*
“Better? Or just smaller?”
I’m not sure which part about going to the optometrist for a prescription update I hate more. It could be the never-ending exam. Or it might be the bit where I’ve gotta try to decipher the top line of letters on a wall sheet (when I can’t even see the sheet. Or the wall). Then again, it could just be the torture chamber that happens before all’a that – where they projectile launch oxygen bullets into your pupils after making you stare at screen with this ironic combo of a spider silhouette against my favorite color. Wait, no. It’s definitely how they make you go wait for the never-ending exam part after they’ve blasted your gander orbs with the machine that turns the everyday gas you breathe into a weapon of macula destruction.
(“The doctor will see you now. Hah! Get it?!!!”)
The image (which is an apt description of how visually violated I feel after these alleged “glaucoma tests”) calls to mind two questions for me: 1.) Why’s her former cornea/pupil combo look like my heart tattoo? And 2.) How cool would it be to have actual go-go gadget vision? (Ya know, without the oozy skull sludge dripping out?)
Better yet: How cool is it that science is about two years away from exactly that?
Well, not exactly-exactly. I mean, you’re not gonna be doing the cartoon wolfie-at-the-strip-club routine anytime soon. But what is currently in the works is pretty much a bionic eye implant. And while you get the part installed kinda the same way as with cataract surgery (which I brain equate to the “Hostel” scene above anytime I think’a it), once it’s up and running, it helps you see three times better than 20/20 vision. Yes, you read that correctly. They’ve stated that “the eight-minute installation procedure is reportedly painless. It involves injecting the folded lense into your eye where it unfurls to replace your natural lense and correct your vision. There’s also an added benefit in that with these artificial lenses in place, you’ll never develop cataracts.”
And there’s yet another amazing bene:
It keeps you at beyond perfect-vision level indefinitely.
(“I guess the jig’s up on my prescriptionless hipster specs…”)
If it’s a success, glasses (had ‘em), contacts (have ‘em), and Lasick (was gonna get it) would be obsolete.
(Not really – some people will be too scared of Superman surgery, I’m sure, making the corrective lens world safe.)
Granted, I’ve always wanted to get Lasick. But the reason I’ve held off on it is ‘cause, like, what if my vision gets bad again? And then they can’t fix it? Now, all of these problems with lenses and less than stellar surgeries will be solved after I fulfill my lifelong dream of morphing into a cyborg. Then starts a new thirty year plan that includes but isn’t limited to going binocular-less birding, improving my golf game (anything would be an improvement when you’ve never played), and then topping it off by getting hired to stand on top of NASA’s roof and work sans so much as a scope. Then, I figure I’ll retire with a nice quiet job on the ocean: being the mermaid hood ornament for a pirate ship who can double as a lookout.
But the best part of all is obvi how I’ll never be assaulted by a fkkng cornea cannon again.