Miss Ashley Pants

I always knew Disney snuck sex stuff in movies, Tyler Durden style.

But I never quite realized just how dark the original tales were. Most of the timeless classics I watched on heavy rotation as a tot were wrought out of medieval fantasy folklore. Sure they taught me that to have a happy ending you need magic, a prince, and to change everything about yourself. But, then again, so did Grease (equally classic). But at least none of those narratives included quasi-necrophilia or hewn body parts.

For #flashbackfriday, let’s review the stories behind the stories:

Sleeping Booty

She totally should be – but she isn’t.

In the original, princess Talia passes out big time after getting a splinter. But in this version, a splinter isn’t the only sorta prick she gets. While still snoozing, the king gives her the old “in out” while she’s out. Yikes. (But wait! There’s more!) Not only does home girl not wake up during REM rape – she doesn’t wake up until after nine months… to realize she’s given birth two twins.

King Necophilius returns, catches her up, and ultimately there’s a happy ending. That is – except for the king’s wife who probably wishes she was unconscious when she gets immolated as punishment… for trying to cook the twins into a pie and feed them to their father. Didn’t see that one coming, did ya?

I wonder if…

1. This tale was a metaphor written by an adulterous dude…(“You’re fired #zing! I want a woman who speaks less #doublezing!”)

2. How zonked you must be to miss half your own shitty life.

3. Who likes my alternate Tarantino ending better:

Next!

INJURELLA

*dreamy sigh*…I could watch spontaneous Disney decapitation all day long.

But in the pre-cartoon rendition, that was deemed too boring for the brother’s Grimm. From feet to eyes, the stepsisters get all sorts of cut up in this tale. And half of it’s their own doing. When it comes to the slipper test, these hoes ain’t messin’ round. They’re so damned thirsty to wed the throne, they hack off their own foot flesh just to fit the crystal pump. But, I ask you, is that any different than the modern lady who comes home with bloody blisters by nightfall to appear every bit the apple bottomed apple of her guy’s eye by day?

(Yes. Yes it is.)

But the royal apple of the stepsisters’ eyes excises their eyes – via his legion of pupil poking pigeons – as punishment for pulling his leg by pulling literal bits off their own. Thus far we’ve learned from Grimm that sneaky bitches gon’ learn by earning fire and eye plucking. I don’t remember that being in the “Ever After” 90’s version (though I am pretty sure Huston’s character hated Barrymore’s ’cause she taught her daughter Wednesday how to ignite shit with her mind at 80’s summercamp. Firestarter, anyone? Addams Family? Bueller? Bueller?)

Eff it.

Anyway, in my ending homegirl doesn’t outsource.

Homegirl does her own dirty work.

NeeeeEEEXT!

LITTLE DURRR-MAID

Talk about a story that’s got legs to it.

And those legs have a bigger price tag than the one charged by the blubbery purple sea witch who squeezes creatures into crimson lip gloss. In the Hans Christian Anderson version, Ariel didn’t acquire land stems so easily. That whole floating vocal gas thing went down a bit differently. Like… a literal cutting out of her tongue and the eternal feeling of walking on knives whenever she walks (pretty hurts – sorry not sorry). That wouldn’t be for long, though. Much like life, there’s no princess happy ending here.

First, the extra stipulation seawitch gives is that she has to nab homeboy in a specific time… or die and morph into sea foam (like all mermaids do when they die. duh). So, first she gives up her oceanic identity, voice, and comfort to be with him. Then she comes to shore … just in time for him to choose some other ho who actually can talk.

(But wait! There’s more!)

Her merr-posse comes to her with a last minute plan. They’ve sold their hair for a knife that can earn her fins back – if she stabs Prince Ungrateful and drips his blood on her painful piggies. Wait – is that where the phrase “gut you like a fish (would)” comes from? Alas. She declines, dives into the water, and dies at daybreak. She gave everything up, her dad’s minus a daughter, and her friends are minus the second (third?) best feature well endowed sea-maidens have.

Which is why the following shouldn’t surprise you: in my alternate ending Ariel does the honorable thing and uses that knife to commit seppuku. She kept making dumb bitch decisions her whole life for someone who didn’t love her – at the expense of people who did love her.

So – sorry, not sorry.

Can’t take the princess’s side this time.

End tally:

We’ve got everything from semi-Ted Bundy to attempted Albert Fish.

Yep. That about covers it!

Have a beautiful day 🙂 <3