Miss Ashley Pants

Remember when ring watches were as cool as a real life James Bond watch?

No. Because they weren’t. And neither will be this new ringing watch that’s in the works. Companies are always trying to decide what other “innovative” offshoots they can create that we don’t really need – and smartphones are a great jumping off point. Thus, next up on deck is the concept of a “smart watch” – that you can make calls on, talk into, and get incoming messages.

(and double your cancer risk via body proximity if smoking’s not working fast enough)

Kind of like, ya know, you’re current iphone already does.

The idea of a phone I wear just above my palm makes me wanna facepalm for the following reasons:

1. It’s Ugly

This thing is huge and looks like it belongs in an 80’s science flick. My personal philosophy is they’re doing that on purpose. They have all the progressively smaller models lined up staircase style in some factory warehouse just waiting for their annual release – right down to the one so thin you could slit your wrists with it when you can’t afford to upgrade.

2. Igor Posture

Between my iphone and laptop, technology a’ready be effing with my swagalicious saunter and leaving my traps tight. Because this watch thing’s so massive, you’ll need to stand like Richard III just to navigate the world around you. And you’ll probably still just keep going in circles. Does this thing come with a compass?

3. The 90’s called…

One of the features that’s boasted is how you can see incoming messages right there on your wrist while you’re bored in a board meeting. But reportedly – what it’ll really do is just ping from your actual phone. That’s the thing with these devices. They don’t work alone. Whether you’re chatting into it or reading incoming messages, you’ll still need an actual phone as a companion. So… it’s more like a pager? Hey, the 90’s called your main phone – and they want you to talk to the hand. Literally.

4. Distraction

I’m sitting in a café right now, and I’m struggling to find anyone – either here or across the street or walking out of their cars – who’s not already got their arteries welded into the wiring of some sort’ve handheld device. In fact, there’s this guy looking through (not at but through) me right now as he gives himself jawbone arthritis via speakerphone. Do we really need yet another hideous electronic jersey barrier between us and actual human contact?

Upsides?

That said, the potential “pros” to this mostly con-technology is that it would give those die hard tech addicts a “hands free” experience while driving. “Shouldn’t I just hang up and drive? Aren’t I contributing to accidents and road mayhem everywhere? Am I just an oxygen thief?”

But it’s kinda like those heroin needle places. People know that junkies are gonna keep on doing their thang till they finally wake up in their own feces and have that “there must be more to life than this” moment. So to lower the whole risk of AIDS and stuff, they have clinics (or whatever they’re called) where they can addiction-feed aseptically. Similarly, I’ve seen closet phone junkies in such denial that they come right outta the obsession armoire – ironically after blasting other drivers for the same. Within moments, they themselves are holding their precious plastic brick inches from their talk holes and doing a slalom down Main Street against an orchestral soundtrack of blaring horns and middle fingers to which they’re totally oblivious. So, perhaps a wrist thing would help curb the peril of compulsion when the law fails to….

…or be exponentially worse since you don’t have to actually put it down as you maniacally man the wheel.

Also, there’s the fitness tracking app that Samsung’s Gear Fit aims to implement (and Apple’s enlisting Nike to help them do the same, I think). I didn’t even know there was a thing called “Fitbit” – but apparently it’s this glorious pedometers that have been described as “life altering”. And the idea is that these smartwatches will include something similar. I guess that’s pretty cool. But I don’t really need the rest of this clunky app-ccessory to do that.

I’m not 007, so I don’t see the point here. Really, all I got from this update is that we all need to spend a lil less time plugged in, that a FitBit is officially on my wish list, and that I’m def due for a Sean Connery Bond marathon.

#sheckx!