Ever woken up to the birds chirping?
Sunlight streaming through the window slates?
A fleshy morel tipped cattle prod sleepily molesting the small of your back?
Among the things I miss least about past relationships are the half-awake propositions for sex when I’ve still got crusted eye snot gluing my lower and upper lashes together on one eye, while the other awkwardly darts around trying to remember those upon-waking details that are helpful in a situation like this: (“Whose penis is that? Where am I? Who am I?”) In my experience, there’s very little that’s sexy or memorable about halitosis scented quasi-conscious copulation while both of our faces and hair look like we shared the simultaneous experience sometime before sunrise of a bad shellfish reaction coupled with electrocution.
But I’m told this phenomenon gets worse than morning wood or nocturnal emissions.
Like, for instance, ever woken up in the middle of the night being humped by your partner? And then they pretend not to know that they were just night porking you? Science says, they may not just be pretending. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t typing this without a smirk on my face the whole time. However, an unconscious rogering proclivity is indeed dubbed a “parasomnia” – a sleep disorder.
“I warned you it turns at night! Now it’s too late!” #PeenWolf
Past relaches of mine admittedly were characterized by thinking “welp, if it’s not violent, it’s not really rape.” But then again, I’ve never let anyone take up a semi-permanent residence in my life or home or vagina unless every time I looked at them out of the context (of my life or home or vagina), I thought, “I could have sex with you. Even when my heart’s not in it.” So a bit o’ surprise night nookie wouldn’t be a problem. Startling, but not a problem. (Note – I don’t speak for all women. No one can speak for all women. Just like no one man can speak for all men. Or race. Or demographic.) That’s my experience. That said, I’ve slowly become unwilling to share my life or bed with another person.
My standards are too high and I covet my solitude.
Could I ever see someone in such a “you can ball my flower if you waaant to” light again?
Especially bedtime Bundy style?
Not likely.
(Seeing as George Clooney’s off the menu and Franco’s arguably already married to himself.)
Thus, research on “sexsomnia” was in order.
In case Mr. Future Whoev-I-Settle-For tries to pull this shiz.
To my non-surprise, the deets were disappointing and a half:
“Sleep sex or sexsomnia is a form of non-rapid eye movement (NREM) parasomnia, similar to sleepwalking, that causes people to engage in sexual acts such as masturbation, fondling, intercourse, and sometimes rape while they are asleep,” says Robert Oexman, DC, director of the Sleep to Live Institute in Joplin, Mo. “This is similar to sleepwalking in that it occurs during NREM sleep, but medically it is a separate condition.” Since the sexsomniac is experiencing a deep sleep phenomenon, he usually won’t even remember it the following day. “Most cases involve no recall and even a denial that the event occurred,” says Russell Rosenberg, PhD, vice chairman of the National Sleep Foundation in Atlanta.
Convenient. No REM and no recollection.
However, they have f’real proven this “confusional arousal” is legit during actual Z catching.
‘cause… SCIENCE:
“Most episodes of sexsomnia are reported after the fact. There is, however, a case of sexsomnia with intercourse that was documented with nocturnal polysomnography. Interestingly, review of the video of the study showed that the patient’s wife initiated foreplay while her husband was asleep and this lead to sexual intercourse without his waking up. (During polysomnography it is possible to verify that the person was sleeping based on EEG and other data).”
“But can you dream into a sock from now on?”
Even so, I think the most fun part of this study is how a bunch of the sites outline the disorder and potential management of it. Generally, they’ll say that certain medications – like alcohol, sleeping pills, and sedatives can make it worse. Then two paragraphs later – under the proposed solution heading – do you wanna know what they suggest to help mitigate symptoms?
Sedatives and pills.
Right. Why didn’t I think about the problem being a solution?
In sum, if you’re shacked up with someone you suspect is a sexsomniac, try these things:
1. Put ‘em through a sleep study.
2. Put ‘em on the couch till the sleep study happens.
3. Leave. Forever.
4. Apply this – along with your night creams:
As for the above image I had to MSpaint censor pre posting, it’s comforting to know that advertising has always fccked with us: “Here’s my naked titties and seductive pose, boys… but you CAN’T HAVE IT! NONE OF YOU CAN HAVE IT! ONLY THE BELT!! OooOoooh… how stimulating is is! That’s why I stand like this. But, no! Sex IS NOT NATURAL BUT DIRTY!!!1”
No wonder we’re so goddamned perverted that we rape people in our sleep.