Many a man still likes to think we womenfolk are princess-esque. Clean and pure. Waking with Bambi holding our coffee. But all it takes is a bit of seclusion from society to turn us into the LOTR creature. Here are 16 more signs you’ve become a reclusive princess o’ filth:
1. Your pets adopt the same moods as you – on cue.
2. The transformation between being in full on cocoon mode and being leave-the-house-acceptable after suddenly realizing that you have an appointment in ten minutes… is no less than “Princess Diaries” meets “Rum Diaries”.
3. The contents of your sink look like a Jenga game of China pieces.
4. You feel like you should get a Nobel Peace Prize every morning for not murdering anyone between bed in the morning and the coffee pot.
Even if that’s only by default. #insertobamajoke
’cause, duh. You live alone.
5. As much as technology annoys you, you have to admit: texting is a convenient way to convey how you’d feel if you were actually around people. Except without going through the exhausting trouble of billboarding emotions by changing whatever your face’s current situation is.
6. Dumping a can of Amy’s soups into a pan on the stove makes you feel like Julia Childs.
“It’s vegan? And it’s low sodium? And it’ll be ready in five minutes?!”
7. You tell everyone that you’re going to sleep, but then you end up watching a Groom Lake documentary and subsequently start building a mountain of mashed potatoes while wondering what time tonight the mothership will swing by to pick you up.
Better pack a bag, I suppose.
8. Walk the dog? That means I have to put on clothes.
9. Walk the dog? That means I have to brush my hair.
10. Walk the dog?
That means I have to wash yesterday’s leaking mascara off my eye-
Ah fkk it. I’mma just put on these sunnies probably made in a third world sweatshop.
11. You spend so much time online that last week we were officially notified by headquarters that you had reached the end of the Internet.
And you celebrated by starting all over again.
12. One of the blessings that you count when you go to bed at night is that you don’t have to share the bed with anyone, except for the small sentient smoosh faced foot warmer at the end of it.
13. The moment you do leave home, you don’t just wish you were back.
You’ve gotta do better than that. Thus, you actively start planning excuses you can employ to leave early when (not if) your imminent destination starts suffocating you with social un-pleasantries.
14. Sure, you talk to yourself to work out problems.
But you prefer singing at the top of your lungs while dancing around them instead.
Because: Fcck problems.
15. It’s mildly disappointing when you have epic commentary to make on the latest Walking Dead episode and nobody is there to hear how hilarious you are.
So you say it anyway. And laugh out loud. At how hilarious you are.
16. You review this list and start to defend yourself saying, “I’m not really alone – I’ve got my Shih Tzu”. Then you stop halfway through when you realize you’ve become a cat lady. Just one who’s subbed in a creature that isn’t worthless. And I suppose that’s something.
There you have it. We’re only as beautiful as you are, menfolk.
And some of us are downright filthy princesses.
So, how you like meh now?!
