Dear subjects, “Beards and face scruff aren’t sexy anymore”. Love, Science
Dear Science, this is my friend Kyle:
Go home, science. You’re obv on bath salts. Looove, Ashley
To be fair, sometimes beards can be a turn off. I mean, if it looks like there might possibly be a small village of woodland creatures residing in it, that might be more alarming than arousing. But assuming we’re talking about fairly well manicured mandible stubble across men, what’s the real deal?
Studies seem to think it has to do with scarcity attraction (i.e.- if it’s a rare quality in a population, it’s desirable because it might carry a genetic advantage).
But maybe it’s got more to do with customizing than scarcity, though.
Revisiting the research, what they did was take a bunch of ladies, show them some dude-mugs in various states of stubble, and record their reactions. What was interesting is that most women did indeed like the clean shaven dudes compared to their furrier versions. That is, unless the dudes suffered a serious case of fetus face.
I mean, you can take a Platonic ideal for what “man” is meant to be – like my buddy Kyle – and you can do pretty much anything: fashion a Darwin beard to his face, put him in a onesie, give him Erykah Badu hair, and then catch him while he’s sneezing after a night of binge relapsing on salty food and boxed wine – and he’d still look like Zac Efron’s hotter brother.
But for boys with the baby-face bone blueprints, a beard can act as makeup.
Evidence?
Next – Ben:
(I almost rocked a Goldilocks here, but apparently the stronger the jawline is naturally, the more styles a man can span aesthetically.)
NEXT!
Wait.
Let’s try with retro-Biebz:
Hmmm. Lemme think abou-
You see, women do this all the time – with their makeup.
Men pass it off as magic, how that mask of sludge, gunk, and powder can transform a chick. Really, it’s just art. The foundation (wet, skin colored crap) makes the skin all one even color. The powders we put over top of that make our bone structure look better.
If I lost you at “foundation”, just try thinking of it as a powdery A.M. Nip/Tuck – or provisional plastic surgery.
Or a fccking liar mask.
#itotallydothisshit
But dudes can accomplish this same thing with their beards. If you get a good stylist with an eye for aesthetics, she can manifest a Batman mandible (Batmandible?) in no time at all.
If there’s sexual selection at play, I tend to think it’s more about primitive-level draw and desire for protection. Sure, studies have shown that classically attractive features are favored because our brains tell us those faces belong to trustworthy people. But when it comes to strong jawlines, perhaps they’re additionally attractive ‘cause someone with a sharp jaw looks like they would kick ass Rambo style when the apocalypse finally hits.
And bitches dig security.
Unless they brought swords of their own.
Here, have THIS one, mah’fkkr!
So, the next time y’all think we have it easier with our Sephora Harry Potter pallor wands, consider four things:
1. You can do the same with a Hollywood barber.
2. At least your fab fake follicular features won’t melt into a pillow overnight.
3. You’re all beautiful, baby-face and jarhead jaws alike.
4. Let’s make “Batmandible” a thing.