Change is tough.
But wasting change to make changes is a horse of a different design (I feel like that’s what the idiomatic phrase should really be – I mean what else could they be referring to than a zebra? What horse is more unique than a zebra?). And speaking of designs, that’s why yesterday, when I documented my design demi-makeover, I explained that it’d take some world class worldwideweb brainstorming to aid in my mind opening process. You can only shuffle faux shrubbery, trunks, and chairs around so much before you start seeking anonymous advice from your pixel pals’ posts.
Not one to go Windows shopping solo, I invited the infamous feisty feline along to give it to me straight during our browser browsing for free ideas. Let’s review:
Hide your tools behind a picture box!
“This is actually, in all seriousness is a really great idea. Very functional for hiding your tools conveniently in your hom–
Wait.
Are those colored cock rings?”
Invisible book shelves!
“Fantastic. I can’t wait to hop back and forth from those like some super Mario-frog hybrid until they fkkn fall. It’ll be almost as fun as seeing the look on your face afterward.”
Conceal your plasma screen!
“Worst T.V. show ever…
…Also, I’m confused. Is this to avoid burglary? I mean, it can’t be for aesthetic reasons. Not when you can’t even hide your brat’s plastic batman toys.”
Decorate your tub!
“Yes, and when we’re done, let’s bedazzle the toilet with sparkly seashells too. I refuse to live another day without my dreams of Disney themed defecation being fulfilled.”
Use faux rocks to cover pipes!
“What a fabulous magic trick…
…I mean no one would ever guess that’s actually your tombstone when they pick it up and just see a tube.
Yes. Keep moving along. Master’s body definitely not embedded in the earth.
Much like her life did, the mystery ends with a pipe.”
Hide your router in an old book!
“Bit ironic, when in reality it’s books being dwarfed by technology. But I’ll bite…
…so, which religion should we offend first via Instagrammed marring of their manual in this uniquely fantastic fashion?”
Conceal wires!
“This is like putting on a clown nose to hide your Mount Vesuvius chin zit. I hope to god this Mr. Rogers meet Sesame Street monstrosity is reserved for a playroom.
In hell.”
Decorate your fridge!
“Yeah, man!
Who needs classy stainless steel look when we can eat lunch inside of the Boogie Nights coke party kitchen? Let’s get creative!
Wait. Do they do custom designs?
Here’s mine when you’re ready:
“Cover eyesores with a painting!”
“I won’t be able to sleep tonight until I know why they had to move the couch pillows to hang the shittiest painting in the world.”
Cover the catbox!
“Finally! A good idea that affords me some privacy while I- wai-
Wha…? What is that – is that my cat food next to my shit litter?
And is that even a cat box? Or a fax machine?
Just how much improv are we gonna do here?
When I cut out your ovaries tonight as you sleep, shall we just use a band-aid?”
(And finally… one on which we quasi-concurred):
Technology drawer!
Sigh. I really wanted to like this idea.
But the problem is that none of these items is out of my sight long enough to warrant being hidden.
These ideas were all fun, but the thing is, while this site of suggestions masqueraded as cheap and easy creative fixes, most of them cost money and they collectively waste ATP that could be spent chain guzzling chai green tea lattes.
We’ll keep looking…