Usually when I say, “NOPE. NOPENOPENOPENOPE” it’s not one for 100+ spiders sat on my wall.

It’s just because I’m reiterating my sentiments regarding a single case of BnE an arachnid’s performing in my home. Just one spider. Thusly, a cascade is set off of childlike screams, full body sweats, and the sudden capacity to impeccably aim the flat side of a phone book throwing star style at a microscopic sentient dot from hell, planted forty feet away. I just haven’t gotten used to their kind. The mere photographic sight of them is jarring. In fact, just seeing it online can educe PTSD day-mares of the few times they’ve made contact with my flesh, accompanied by a thoroughgoing case of invisible flesh crawlers. So when I saw this demon below with as many limbs as a Hindu god, my day’s serenity had already been annihilated before noon.

And yours is about to be too.

When this mother effing camera zooms out:

Nope level? Spontaneous combustion.

I need to know one thing: WHY did he make them scatter?

I don’t want to see them move.

The only thing he should’ve been throwing was a grenade. Especially since these are only the spiders we can see. Can you imagine WTF kindofa horror show is scurrying between those walls? In the vents? Probably in his face holes while he slumbers at night? In fact, this brings back an awful memory for me. Last summer, I (and this is hard for me to share, so bear with me) found baby spiders all over me while stretching after a run. There was no way to be sure if it was the cause of unknowingly jogging into a spider nest during my run – or if they were the kin of the one I’d found in my home earlier that week. So you know what I did? What I needed to do. I called the firemen. After they’d told the lady with them that they’d come back and get her trapped, crying, wailing children later and that more pressing matters were at hand, they arrived on scene and danced naked for me (typical protocol to calm down the victim of an octo-assault). Then they thusly infused their hose with a cocktail of jasmine-lavender-lemon scented oils and industrial grade bleach before power washing me with it. In no time I was A.) Clean. And B.) Carried by the force like an aqueous Falkor ride to another dimension where I could forget I ever lived in such a Krueger level nightmare.

I highly suggest this gentleman do the same.