What the flipper?
There’s a “mermaid academy” in the Philippines?
Drop everything and pack your bags.
I can’t believe I’ve been wasting my whole summer learning to enjoy what I’ve been given in this life when I could have been transferring over money I don’t have and going into debt so that I could fly to this resort where I can finally live out my dream of becoming Ariel.
At this fantastical “academy” that’s more like an outdoor King Titan swim gym, students rock fake fins in the form of a body hugging sea-maiden wetsuit. That is – after doing a few stretches under the tutelage of a flamboyant merman, of course. Then they take to the pool and the well-seasoned mermaids who’ve clearly been practicing forever like they’re eel-ympic training start showing off their skills for the camera crew.
These bishes move like aqueous sine waves with boobs.
I’m trying to figure out if swimming like this is really good for you, or if you come home with three fourths less disc-cushion between your spine bones every day you act out a double decade old Disney daydream. Either way – I want in. Like, yesterday.
Also, I’d be remiss if I failed to mention how the sexual appeal of the young ladies in this video is just as confusing as an actual mermaid’s (who have no compatible sex organs). Are they twenty? Are they twelve? Should Filipino women wear a sign with their age on it so we can all not have to wonder whether our internal “she’s hot” monologue narrator is actually a descendent of Pervosaurus Rex? We’re gonna have to table this one and leave it at “Either way, I’m envious that you’re gonna look like you just got out of high school for the rest of your life as I slowly turn into a crumpled piece of tissue that was used to express my dog’s anal glands…
…and who will probably never get to fin swim.”
Whatever, Jiminy Crawfish.