So, Kim Jong Un has officially ruined my Christmas.
“The Interview”, which was about to be released on Christmas Day has been scrapped (along with some other Steve Carrell film that no one cares about as much). And my heart is broken. There aren’t many movies I look forward to seeing, but this was one of ‘em. All because of a little boy in an emperor’s clothing who can’t take a little satire happening in a place that doesn’t even concern him.
Back during the inception of this movie, he’d threatened to wage war on us or something because the plot mocked an assassination attempt of North Korea’s leader. But no one really took it seriously, because – seriously? Nuke us for some parody flick? I mean – Franco and Un become pals! They sing Katie Perry together! Even Hitler stood on top of a chair and sang once. According to a source. Who might have been lying. The rhetorically interrogative point is: is anyone really that simultaneously insecure and crazy? Well, yes and no. Because while Un may not have sent us the dancing holiday telegrams of exploding missiles, what he did do was hack Sony and steal a bunch of private info – from the employee and customer information to emails and intellectual property.
And that’s how a miniature dictator kills Christmas.
By saving the big guns for when we release it anyway.
(More like an oompa loompa-Grinch love child, but yes. Close.)
And I say we do indeed release it.
Hear me out, despite my admitted biased JF adoration.
Terrorism is terrorism. Whether it’s with warheads or hackers, it’s all terrorism. And what do the rolled-up-sleeved politicians tell us in the aftermath of any terrorist attack? Don’t give into not doing stuff ’cause you’re in terror! That that’s what they want. They want us to be scared and miserable and under their thumb. And if we do that, it’s like a playground bully who realizes his cruel taunting tactics work for him getting his way for small things like lunch money, so he moves on to bigger and better things like stealing the ipad you got for Christmas. Well, this year, Un stole my big Christmas gift already. Bastard skipped the lunch money and blew up the whole cafeteria (with ones and zeroes instead’a weapons). I say we don’t cower in a bathroom stall eating our bagged lunches (I’m not sure where this metaphor went wrong, but it did). In fact, I urge some hackers of our own to plug in and steal the movie themselves, put on their “V for Vendetta” masks, and air the effing Seth and James controversial final product for everyone to see – at home on their T.V.’s
Besides, do you really want to live anyway in a world where you’re deprived of James?
I think we all know the answer.
Thus, I beseech you, Anonymous. I mean, I know you’re busy. And that Hollywood’s just a distracting spectacle from what’s really going on in the world. And that battling political corruption takes priority on your hackery to-do list ‘cause it’s really like a more domestic form of terrorism most people don’t even realize that’s happening to them.
But, still… like…
I reeeeally wanna see this movie.
Please? For me? For Christmas?