I understand and appreciate your plight fully.
It’s already been the better part of a week since I shared what you can begin buying me for Christmas. And now you’re all thinking, “But, Ashley, an ipad, ipad holder, leashless dog leash, dog who can walk himself, and self-aware vacuum cleaner robot isn’t nearly enough for you. We’ve already bought you these things the same day you issued your memo. What else can we possibly purchase in the vain hopes of also purchasing your love? Or at least a crumb of something resembling it?” (And here you all thought I was some sociopath incapable of putting myself in others’ shoes).
Being as pragmatic as I am, I anticipated that you might feel this way.
That’s why I’m offering you just a few more items today:
We’ll initiate with this waste basket that’s mind controlled by my P.C.
Or this thing I may genuinely require to ascend the stairs to my apartment after my run today:
A front door made of the stuff below – so that I can startle my neighbors heading down to the building’s entrance enough to spend the rest of their descent to the first floor on everything but their feet. Maybe they’ll die? Maybe they’ll just break a few important body parts? Maybe I’ll let them borrow my walking wheelchair you’ll have just bought me, after they’ve become invalids? Maybe I won’t?
Not knowing is half the fun of gift giving.
And this is a gift that’ll for sure keep on giving.
And for when I’m feeling equal parts playful and hateful of actual people, a robot opponent:
But most of all, if you forget everything else, I need this 3D metal printer.
So that I can fashion my specialty Hatori Hanzo sword from thin air.
I sincerely hope that these all make for helpful additions to your “I’ll keep buying all of these items for Ashley, by any means necessary, until I have no money, after which I will sell my sex services and miscellaneous body parts on the undernet to afford whatever else she might potentially add later” list.
P.S. Not saying you should, but should you feel so inclined as to gift me with an early Christmas present in the form of the ipad from earlier-this-week’s appetizer list, I won’t turn it down early. Not so long as it also comes with the bed-stand I’ve requested.
Otherwise it’s going into my telekinetic trash can.
And so are you.