Okay, I promise I’ll post a blog about some of the good parts of “Frozen”.
Eventually. Not today. Because, for right now, I just can’t focus on Froze Pro’s until I get the rest of the unforgivable cons off my chest. Let’s – for a moment, if we can- forget about how godawful the storyline and misplaced characters were. Let’s not even analyze the bad songs and the missing pieces. Let’s … Ugh.
You know how the song goes.
Yes, I’ll let it go, alright. ’cause I can’t hold back anymore on spotlighting another Frozen crime. Let’s redirect our focus to that strange underlying feeling I had as I was viewing this. The one that provided a perpetual backdrop – like some feel-soundtrack score during this animated carnival of confusion. What was that? Just under the bubbling surface of my already acrid animosity for what I was seeing and hearing? Could it be… Disney déjà vu?
Yes. The answer is, yes it could.
Because I had seen this before – a trillion times in a trillion different ways. There were no two ways around it – I was being blanketed against my will by a cartoony quilt comprised of classic patches. The classics of my youth. And – while roofied with the preposterous cocktail of distraction that this sideshow was – my soul was being vilely penetrated beneath that quilt. I didn’t even realize I was in a Lifetime movie of my own it until I came to at the end – just in time to get ear-defiled with one more song during the credits. Thus, it’s time to bring the FrankenFrozen rapist to justice for its sins. But not without outlining my allegations first:
How do I charge thee?
Let me count the ways:
1. Lion king-esque opening song:
(Am I culturally retarded? Or does that very definitely “not fit” here?)
2. Little mermaid’s trove song about “I’m all alone with all these treasures. Poor li’l rich girl!”
(Right down to the dude-bust)
3. Beauty and the beast-esque angry villagers who try to storm her castle.
And how the ones jumping to their defense versus the villain are the imminent spell-breakers.
4. More Beauty and the Beast: And ending of lament-love tears reviving a deadsy.
(Both in a sea of magic and whirling ethereal stardust, no less.
P.S. Is it just me or did Anna go through Beast’s dirty cape laundry?)
5. And – let’s not gloss over them dipping into and subsequently bastardizing non-fairytale aspects.
Like spiderman:
Unforgivable!
There’s more… but… that’s all I can do for today. I’m emotionally exhausted.
Rehashing this trauma is just too painful to do in one sitting.